the ease of polyamory in Random Thoughts

I am going to talk about the ease (Jamie), as i was musing on it yesterday, but i also want to get into the therapy work i have been a part of in regards to intimate relationships (Ian). Plus a little weaving of my second read of the Bhagavad Gita and how that content has played into my life lately.

If that were an introduction paragraph, it would be send back. Never, never start an essay with “I am going to tell you about…“

Polyamory can be complicated, bringing in multiple people who have different communication styles, different baggage, needs, wants, desires, aversions. I think that the level of “authenticity” (by that i mean self-knowledge, understanding your motivations, actions, reactions…and living from a that place with love) can really affect how things work when you have 3 plus people navigating relationships. Add in that feeling of jealousy, and its opposite compursion. Throw in people’s ability to communicate and the methods in which they best give and receive communication.

Wow. It’s a lot.

I am lucky that my entry into polyamory with my love has been delightful, easeful, loving. Part of that is all three of (his wife is a very important part of Jamie and i’s relationship) us have a strong sense of who we are authentically. My path of communication has expanded over the past year, i feel safe to share almost anything with him, and i can be vulnerable. It really is a sweet love-fest between Jamie and i. There has been no conflict. The passion we share is sexual in nature.

Of course, i know my self well. Communication has been evolving with my love and i am open. I am not always like that, though. I play the game that is set out in front of me, and if another partner is not communicative, then i am also not communicative. Which leads me into my therapy experiment, Ian.

Oh Ian, i just voiced it yesterday at therapy. You are my experiment. One day i’d like to share that with you and get your thoughts on in.

But for now, i need to be ok with not knowing.

Last week i skipped going into my thoughts on Ian because i didn’t want to play into the spiral that was happening.

So. Last week when i was in Seattle, i asked Ian if he wanted to spend some time together on Saturday eve/night. He said he was busy. Immediately i was hurt. In the past i would have immediately gone into anxiety, wondering about his thoughts and motivations, his feelings about me, trying to interpret any text i can, way that he has acted (or not acted), etc. It’s a pattern. But. I let myself be hurt. Gave myself the space to wonder why i was hurt, and when whose more distorted thoughts came into my head… i sort of greeted them, recognized them, and wondered why they were there, what service they provided.

And i considered if there was a creative way i could move myself out of this space. I didn’t come up with anything. But i realized in therapy yesterday, i was being creative with how i was approaching the situation. Once i have mastered this, practiced my detachment, broken through the shame and anxiety spiral, then. Then, i will react with more useful creativity.

There i was. Thinking. “we’ve never talked about us” “what does this mean?” “maybe i like him ‘ more than he likes me” “no communication or ‘labeling’ of us must be bad or mean ‘no’ in some way”. I was careful with what i said to him, even pulling back a bit, because in the past my distorted thinking has gotten in the way of what i say. There was certainly less of this spiral than i have experienced in the past, but there was certainly enough of what does he think about me? what does he feel about me? in what ways am i inadequate? what if i am just something to keep him busy until he meets someone more compatible?

Such a worry about even opening up the conversation, because i am so scared to be vulnerable. So scared to find out that he is not as interested as i am. That maybe my relationship with Jamie keeps him from exploring us more.

And at one point, on Monday i think, i just gave up the worry. I decided to let things be. I waited for his text and responded as myself. I initiated text and worried less about the content. I was less concerned. Part of that was quite healthy. Part of that is what i do sometimes, with an overload of fear i detach in maybe not quite a healthy way, put in that buffer of “oh, well, i certainly saw that coming”

le sigh

I know it probably seems the smart thing to just have that conversation, give me a peace of mind and keep from prolonging the inevitable (if that be the case). This is where the therapy experiment come in.

As a background, i have lived on love my whole life. By that, i mean the thrill of falling in love, disregarding everything i might be reaching for in the rest of my life, just for that fall. Even if it is other loved ones. I have made changes in my life based on love. So many changes, or even non-changes (not moving back to Bellingham for Kevin).

I need to re-route my river. I need to put some straight lines into that spiral. Tear down some of that shame structure.

So. I recognize that there are some things i do not know. I am ok with that. I recognize when i have an overly emotional reaction to something like being told no. I see my reaction and step back a bit. I accept whatever comes from Ian and i’s relationship, from the whole gamut of ecstasy to heartbreak.

I just want to be myself. Be loved for who i am. Be with someone who feels the same about themselves. I want to make it past the infatuation stage, so that i see more clearly. So i know whether this is someone i want to make a commitment to (in whatever form or fashion that may take), or whether i have made a life-long friend. I want to enjoy what i have, when i have it. I want to be less concerned about the outcome of my actions and interactions with Ian. Practice that detachment we spoke about at the Bhagavad Gita talk.

And i know i can do it.

Fast forward to Friday. Sometime in the week i asked about Saturday. He was busy, but wondered about Friday night (when he is normally in his scooter club happy hour gathering). I had a lecture (Bhagavad Gita) from 7:30 to 9:30, but was happy to drop by. I got myself ready for spending the night (for me that’s toothbrush/paste, earplugs, a tiny nighty).

We spent some quality time talking while i lay in his arms, very quality time with me bent over the couch with his face in my lady bits, a little after sex chat. And then i went home around midnight. He did not invite me into his bedroom for an overnight. I read that from the situation. I stepped out his doorstep after having my arms around him a kissing a bit. I walked outside toward my car and my first thought was is he distancing us by not inviting me to sleep over?

I stopped that thought. Realized there are many reasons why people make certain decisions (he recently injured his knee and barely slept the night before) and decided i was not going to perseverate. I was ok with the outcome of the night.

I totally forgot to tell my therapist about that the next morning. It’s a little bit of celebrate.

PS- after an oppressively dreary winter, we have a day of respite. It is 100% sunny and blue outside in the Portland-area skies.