Hormones. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday after being alone for 2 days, my hormones were getting the best of me. It’s so crazy to cycle through a lot of negative emotions all day long. It didn’t help that the weather was cold and awful either. I just felt really overwhelmed and alone. I called my friend but she was busy buying a new car and said she’d call me back and never did.

Sometimes it’s just super hard not having any fucking support whatsoever. I’m starting to network with people over Facebook more and set up days and times in which to socialize because I can’t keep planning on working and being by myself. It’s annoying that I know so many people here but NONE of them are ever available to hang out. I’d even be okay with having someone just come over and bullshit once in a while. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for much but I must be.

I had a guy friend come over for a couple of hours last night and that definitely helped my mood. He’s off tomorrow so I think we are going to hang out before I go to work. I just wish I could ever have someone to do lunch with or someone to come over and even watch a movie. I know that I’m an introvert and enjoy me time but the past few months of just working and coming home to be by myself is getting to be a little much.

Work went okay last night. I was able to score an extra 30 minutes so that was nice. I was definitely ready to get out of there because it was so cold and uncomfortable. Today it’s a tad cloudy but warmer so that helps my mood a lot.

Court is next Friday. I’m so ready to go and get it over with. I don’t think he’s going to be there and I really hope not because I just don’t want to see him. I’m ready to get this granted permanently and not have to worry about him for awhile. Again, I do wish things could be different but I didn’t create this mess. He wasn’t going to stop threatening me or causing trouble until now and that’s not acceptable. He didn’t care how he talked about me, our child, or even the way he talked to my friend.

I have an appointment here soon to talk to someone in regards to getting a mentor. I hope they match me with someone who completely understands my situation and isn’t going to pass judgment on me. This situation has been hard enough that I just don’t need any further headaches.

The good news is as far as baby stuff goes is I don’t have much more to get. I’m 22 weeks today and I only have about 12 more before maternity leave starts to get a diaper bag, baby Tylenol, some more clothes, diapers and wipes, and possibly a crib. I still plan to get more diapers because I just want to be as stocked up as possible. I know that I have hundreds of them but I would like to be able to go quite awhile without buying any.

It’s still super crazy how fast my pregnancy is going. I also only have a couple of weeks before my birthday too. I’d kinda like to be off that day but I haven’t requested it and don’t really want to sit here by myself so it’s probably best I work. I’m so glad I have more days behind me than in front of me. I was so scared in the beginning and now I’m just ready to have her, see what she looks like, and just be able to hold her.

I plan to talk to my boss in the next couple of months on when I plan to start my leave and when I plan to return. I need to get more information on daycare assistance and find out how it works, along with finding a daycare I trust and the hours I need. I’m not looking forward to the first day of having to take her to someone. I know I’m already dreading that.

Part of me wishes that I could be a stay at home Mom so I don’t have to miss a moment of her life but I also know that I can’t financially. The good news is I don’t have to work full time. I just don’t think I’d feel like a productive member of society if I didn’t work. I want to be able to provide my daughter the best life I can and that means working. He worried about me just living off child support but that’s assuming he even pays it and I already know that it wouldn’t be even close to enough to paying my bills.

My friend said before she came for my ultrasound that she was going to bring me a bassinet and a rocking chair but then forgot. I understand that she’s a married, working Mom but she knew 3 weeks ahead of time she was coming and still didn’t bring the shit. She’s also told me she was going to buy me a car seat, crib, and some other items. Mind you, I didn’t ask she offered. Well because she’s already let me down, I don’t have faith that she’s going to come through for the other things she said she’s going to get me so that’s why I’m going to make sure I buy it.

Since I’ve gotten pregnant, I’ve had at least 15 people say they are going to give me diapers, clothes, etc. etc. and NONE of them have come through. Well, I can’t sit around waiting for them to follow through so that’s why I have to make sure I have it all. I can’t wait until right before I’m about to pop and still be without a bunch of stuff that my child is going to need and then not have the money or the time to get it and then be without. My kid isn’t going to suffer on account of other people. It’s like people want to just make this harder for me than it’s already been and I won’t allow that.

I just wish that people didn’t even say they are going to do something, but merely just go do it and then surprise me. It also pisses me off when I don’t ask them for anything, they offer it and don’t do it. I never bother to call them out on it either because I just turn into the bad buy but it just makes me mad that most of them know my situation and STILL be flaky as fuck. I don’t say anything when people do this shit because it’s not like I was banking on them helping in the first place.

Everyone needs to understand that from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was on my own. I know that there’s no one that’s going to be there and my own parents keep their distance because they are terrified I might ask for help. Well I have thus far so they really shouldn’t fucking worry about it. Them helping is nothing more than a stressful, expensive headache anyway!!!

That’s enough bitching for now. I’ll try and write again before I go to work.