Hate and resentment. in Since OD is shutting down....

My days off were okay but I was completely by myself and alone in my own head for way too long and was in a full blown panic attack that started yesterday and didn’t stop until I went to work this afternoon. I tried to take a little nap earlier today but just couldn’t shut my mind off so I went and got my insulin and my heartburn medication.

It’s really fucking hard to be pregnant with no fucking support system whatsoever. I only heard from my Mom a couple of times last week via text and today I blew up and sent her a nasty text about how great it is that I get to spend my days off completely by myself, that no one in my family could bring themselves to attend my ultrasound and they’ve all done a fantastic job of proving how little fucks they have to give. She wrote back and said that I knew she wouldn’t be able to make it for ultrasound due to starting a new job.

My family has NEVER been there for me and I shouldn’t have expected so much being pregnant. They just don’t fucking care and there’s nothing I’m able to do or say to change that. Anytime I finally blow up then they act like they can’t understand why and then they won’t even talk to me. They refuse to see how they’re at fault regardless of the circumstances and their answer to my anger is to just avoid me all together. God Forbid they do anything to try a little bit harder or even pretend to care.

I feel so abandoned by everyone. I’ve never felt more alone in my whole life and it makes me really scared about raising a baby all by myself. I’m never going to have any fucking help. All they’ve done is keep their distance and make sure I know they aren’t going to be there to even offer any kind of assistance whatsoever.

I completely understand that I’m the one who got pregnant by a piece of shit but regardless, that shouldn’t stop them from wanting to be involved. I just have to accept that they aren’t mentally or emotionally capable of caring for anyone other than themselves. I had a little bit of hope that things may change but that hope is fucking gone. I just can’t believe that God chose these fucking people as my family.

At some point I do need to talk to my boss about when I intend on starting my maternity leave and I’m thinking the beginning of July. I worry about her coming early and I want to have a couple of weeks to rest, relax, and make sure everything in her room is ready and have my hospital bag packed. I also want to make sure I’m able to drive myself to the hospital as I don’t have anyone I can rely on for that and I have to make sure me and my newborn will have a ride home. It’s ridiculous that I live within a 10 mile radius of my family and I can’t depend on them at all.

If things continue like this where I don’t hear from them and they don’t make any effort then I’m not going to bother letting them know when I go into labor. They’ve already shown zero fucks throughout my entire pregnancy so I don’t anticipate them wanting to be there for delivery. I also know that if I were to text them than there’s going to be a part of me hoping they’ll show up and they probably won’t.

I’m also super angry that Eric decided to move 800 miles away and he’s made this situation so hard. I can’t even bank on him being there, RO or not and I don’t know his family well enough to ask them to come. I’m angry that I get to prepare for this life changing ordeal and he gets to keep living his life and not give a fuck at all. He was the one guy that I truly thought would be there even if we didn’t end up together and he also abandoned me.

Anyways, I had a pretty good night at work and feel so much better about my schedule. Everyone had me laughing pretty hard right after I got there and I’m glad I have really cool people to work with because they make everything seem not so bad. It’s sad when the highlight of your day is going to work but pretty soon, I’ll have a baby to hang out with when I’m not there and won’t be so lonely.

Goodnight.