What to do. in Since OD is shutting down....

So he messaged my friend yesterday with a message stating that he didn’t want to be here anymore and had nothing to worth staying for and added a clip of that song ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’ so she sends it to me and asks if it was a suicide threat. Well, I’m at work and am busier than shit so I don’t know how to process this and honestly didn’t care for the time being because I couldn’t just drop what I was doing to think about it.

She messaged him back and asked if he was suicidal and he messaged her a total of 10 times saying how he’s quit school/work, is coming back home, doesn’t want his kid growing up without him blah blah blah. I definitely don’t take any of this seriously as he’s said it all before. He then later last night asks her if I’m seeing anyone and she wouldn’t tell him one way or another.

I really don’t know how to feel about any of this. He claims he’ll be back soon but I think it’s just because he’s afraid of what’s going to happen in court and if/when the RO gets granted, he won’t be able to come around whenever he feels like it because he won’t be allowed to.

This guy has put me through more than any other guy has and I just don’t know how to feel. I truly believe all of this is just him wanting me to drop the RO so he’s able to go back to his abusive ways and be able to have the power to act however he wants and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I admit, I’d love nothing more for him to be involved with his child so I’m not completely on my own but it’s never going to happen the way I want or need it to. I wish that we could just talk to each other directly but then I remember why I blocked him in the first place. He has no intent to making this work and I feel better off.

This is such a hard situation to be in and I wish I had a crystal ball to see how the fuck it’s going to work out. I don’t believe he plans to come back, especially when he missed the ultrasound and postponed the court date due to work/school and not having the ‘funds’ so I don’t see him coming back at all.

He’s made this situation a fucking mess and I don’t think anything he says is genuine or sincere. It’s really interesting that he didn’t stop with the harassment or name calling until he got served with a RO and it’s sad to me that it wasn’t going to end until I filed for it. He’s proven to be a fucking monster and I just don’t know how forgiving I’m willing to be. I’m very hurt by him leaving in the first place and hurt by the things he’s said.

I keep in mind that we have a child together and I just want to do the right thing for her. I want her to know her Dad and I want him to be there for her but I’m also scared of him hurting her to get at me. He’s already missed so much of my pregnancy and has proven he doesn’t give a shit so now in because of a RO, I’m supposed to believe he’s had a sudden change of heart and everything will be perfect?!

Part of me wishes he’d come back so we could try and fix things for the sake of our baby. Part of me wishes that I would have tried to get him to stay. Part of me wishes I would have tried to be with him like he tried to be with me. Part of me wishes I had him here to provide even emotional support because I don’t have any. I wish things weren’t so fucked. I really do wish things were different but I’m not going to take responsibility for his actions, I can only be responsible for my own.

Until he provided proof he’s coming home, I just can’t take him seriously. Even if he does come back, I still won’t be able to talk to him and there’s no way in hell I’d be alone with him because I don’t know how the fuck he’d be. I’m still very hurt that he knocked me up, moved away, and found someone else. It didn’t last long but it hurt knowing I wasn’t as important to him as he made me think I was.

I’m having another day off where I’m by myself yet again. My one friend called for about 5 minutes and then had to let me go to call her husband. I never did clean out my closet today because I napped instead. I got up early and bought some doughnuts and then just watched tv when I wasn’t sleeping. Still need to get quarters so I can do laundry but I’ll probably do that tomorrow.

I really wish things would change already. I just wish I had even 1 person here that I could hang out with sometimes. I’m really sick of being by myself unless I’m at work. I’ve never felt so low before. I wish people gave any kind of a fuck about me. With him talking about coming back, it makes me feel somewhat hopeful to have someone care but even still we aren’t going to be allowed to talk to each other because that situation is fucked too.

Everyone has abandoned me and left me to fend for myself and my child. I’m very lonely. I literally just don’t know what to do. There’s nothing more I can do to fix things with everyone. I’m just glad that I’ll have my child in the next 4 months and then I’ll at least have someone to look after and not be so lonely.

On another note, don’t comment if you are going to be negative, rude, or just point out the obvious. This is my diary and I’ll write whatever the fuck I choose and if you aren’t comfortable with that, don’t waste your time leaving a fucking comment. I have more than enough criticism in my life, I’m not going to put up with it from strangers over the internet.