Income tax, work, epiphany. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I am still waiting for my taxes. I’ve been checking the mail daily and it’s still not here. I didn’t check the website until today because I just figured it would still say it got sent and just assumed it would show up eventually. Well, I finally looked at apparently they weren’t able to deliver it and I have to call on Monday. I think it got put in the wrong mail box and someone sent it back. I’m annoyed by this because if I would have gotten someone’s tax return, I would have tried to find them and get it to them so they wouldn’t have to wait.

I’m super annoyed because now I have to wait until Monday to call but at least I know what the fuck is going on. I need to spend some of it because my tags expire at the end of the month. I’m going to ask if it’s possible for them to just put it in my account so I don’t have to keep waiting because I’m worried it’s not going to get here in time. I know I put down the right address so I’m worried it won’t get delivered yet again.

I’ve had a pretty busy week and the weather has been pretty awesome so my mood is a lot better. I met with someone about the RO and they are going to come with me to court. Even if he doesn’t show, I’d like to have some support. I was able to get some more information about supervised visitation too. Apparently the judge orders it and then the non-custodial parent pays for it. I guess he would have to call 2 weeks prior to him wanting to visit and set it up with them and then they would get in touch with me and let me know.

I’m really happy knowing that once that’s put in place, I won’t have to talk to him directly. If he’s not at the hearing, I will ask the judge how I make that happen. Not sure if I wait until my daughter is born and then add her to the RO but the lady I talked to said that it will be another hearing. That sucks because I don’t want to go through this again in a few months but hopefully it will be a good outcome. I’m glad that I won’t have to spend money on a lawyer and everything because money is already going to be tight. I want him to see her but I don’t see him spending money to come up here and money to actually see her.

Today is the first Saturday I didn’t have to get up and race off to work. It was nice not having to hurry home last night and rush off to bed too. I’m super glad I changed my schedule because being there all day Saturday’s was physically too demanding. I thank God there was someone who wanted my shift or else I’d be stuck doing it until there was. I was just so fucking sick of doing everything by myself and nobody helping. I won’t be off for a couple hours past what I’m used to tonight but I don’t have to do as much physically so it’s worth it.

I have to pay more on my cable bill because I forgot to pay it when I got paid so now it’s overdue. I’m hoping to make some decent money tonight so I’m able to do that and buy a dresser that I want for baby clothes. I plan on getting a bunch of quarters tonight so I can do wash all the baby clothes tomorrow and start putting them away. I also plan to go through my closet and get rid of a bunch of clothes and bedding I don’t care for to make more room for the totes that sit in the baby closet. I got up this morning and showered, swept/mopped the bathroom floor and picked up a bunch of shit in the kitchen. I also want to do dishes before I leave for work so I don’t have to do them on my day off. I gotta stop and get kitty litter and trash bags before I go to work.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about my family and what kind of shit show that is. I’ve come to realize that they’ve never been there for me and I’ve already gone halfway through my pregnancy with little to no support and can continue doing it on my own. I know this would be way easier if they were in my life but they don’t want to be and there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ve killed myself trying to stay in contact with them and invite them to baby appointments but they just don’t care so I need to leave it alone. Every time I ask them to come and they don’t, then I’m upset all over again.

After all the shit that’s happened with my niece, I see that situation differently than I ever have before. They wait for me to come crawling begging and pleading to see her and then they may or may not allow it and then if they do, they make sure to be there when I spend time with her. I completely understand that’s their daughter and it’s their job to make sure she’s safe and happy but I don’t like feeling as if they supervise like I’m going to hurt her. I don’t want to feel like a monster anymore and the only way to avoid that is to just give up.

I also resent how when I finally get sick of the bullshit than my brother loves to remind me how it’s his daughter who’s suffering but him and his girlfriend fail to see how miserable they’ve made this for me and why it’s become so much clearer for me to just stay away. I really hoped that things were going to get better and stay that way but once they didn’t attend my ultrasound it let me know that they don’t give a fuck about me or my child but want to make sure I still care for theirs. That shit ain’t right.

My counselor brought up a lot of things yesterday and when I was driving home, I realized once I release all hope of things ever getting better and my family actually caring and being there for me, I’ll be in a better place. I think the reason why this has been so hard is because I haven’t wanted to let go. I’ve just kept trying until I was being destroyed. Again, if people want to be in your life they won’t let anything stop them.

All I’ve ever done is fight for people to be in my life even allowing myself to be used just to feel like someone, anyone cared for me. I let my loneliness take over and make me feel like it was my job to let myself be used and run to everyone’s rescue when they needed shit just to feel connected to others. My parents don’t want anything to do with anyone unless they are benefiting from it and I just can’t be doing things for them just to feel like they want contact with me.

I’ve always been that person. I feel like I’ve always been the dumping ground for everyone’s problems and it’s my duty to fix everything. Well now that I need some help, I can’t say that I really have anyone that would or is able to be there.

Honestly, I feel like such a fucking dumb ass. I was so happy when my Mom started coming over and spending the night but all it did was cost me money and I knew that it would be short lived. I knew that things with my niece probably weren’t going to ever go back like they were because my brother’s girlfriend won’t allow it. I think she enjoys keeping my niece at a distance because it hurts me. I don’t feel that it’s to protect my niece because she knows how much that kid adores me, it’s just to be a fucking heartless bitch.

I realize now more than ever because of my Dad and my brother’s girlfriend, I think it’s better that I just leave everyone alone. I think my Dad and my brother’s girlfriend see me as some sort of threat and that’s why they want to keep the ones I care about away from me. I know that things could be so different and we could have family unity if it wasn’t for them two but I get now more than ever that sometimes it’s best to leave things broken instead of hurting yourself trying to put them back together. I’ve been fighting to fix things with these people for so long and I was winning a losing battle.

My niece is the most important person in my life until my own daughter comes but it’s not okay for me to be in and out of her life either. I know why my brother’s girlfriend called me a danger. It’s because things are fine for awhile and I’m in her life but then I get mad and we don’t resolve anything so I go away and that isn’t fair to her. It’s not fair to me either that I’ve always put their child first and now that I’m going to have one, they have made sure to let me know they aren’t going to give any kind of a shit. It hurts and the way I deal with hurt is to just go away.

They don’t care enough about me being a part of their child’s life to ever try to mend this. I don’t think my brother’s girlfriend EVER wanted me to be a part of her life and that’s why i didn’t get to see her for the first 2 years and have missed so many birthday parties. It sucks that my niece is the one suffering more than I am but maybe someday it will get figured out. Until then, I’m going to just worry about myself and preparing for my baby.

I realize I can’t fix everything. I get I’m the one who’s broken but I’ve hurt myself more by trying to fix it. I’m almost 22 weeks pregnant and the only support I’ve had was my Mom coming to 2 dr appointments and my friend coming to my ultrasound. I can do this on my own and have proven that. I don’t want to fight for anyone to care anymore because I’ve done nothing but waste my fucking time. I just stay grateful for my 2 friends that have been there for me because without them, I doubt I would be as strong as I am.

Anyways, my back is killing me from sitting here and I want to enjoy a few minutes before I need to start getting ready for work but I’ll write later or tomorrow sometime.