OMG. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I haven’t done much today either other than make a casserole for lunch and something I can eat for dinner all week. I was napping on the couch when I was woke up to a cat throwing up on the floor right next to me. I am super pissed and put him outside before he really blew chunks. I realized I missed a call and it was from the Sheriff telling me that I needed to pick up a copy of the continuance and I said I’m good because the judge already informed me the court got moved 3 weeks out and I know what time. I don’t know how that was helpful to inform me DAYS after?!

I’m trying really hard to just forget about the court date until it actually happens but if it doesn’t get granted, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. His abuse, name calling, and threatening behavior isn’t going to stop without a court order and I just can’t imagine putting up with this shit for 18 fucking years. I’ve blocked him back in January and yet he’s managed to keep abusing me through my friend.

I think the only reason he wants to try and fight it is because he’s worried that if I have a RO, he won’t be able to see the baby but I will arrange for him to see her in a supervised place. I just don’t have any interest in personally seeing him ever again but I’m not in any way trying to keep him from her because they deserve to know each other but until I’m comfortable with him and feel he’s got a handle on his anger issues, he’s never going to be alone with her. I wonder if he realizes that he has to physically be here in court and that postponing it doesn’t mean that it’s less likely to not get granted.

Honestly, I’m just trying to have the attitude if it gets granted awesome and if it doesn’t then that’s okay too but I am terrified of what he could do, especially without this. I don’t trust him and worry about what he’s capable of.

It really pisses me off that this person has continued to be a problem even from 800 miles away. He messaged my friend the other day and said something about he hopes I remember the sex he gave me and how we made love and cuddled. Um, okay well what the fuck does any of that matter? Maybe if he actually apologized for being so crazy, promising to act sane from now on, or saying something about how he plans to be a Dad I might have given a shit. He literally makes no fucking sense.

I just want to forget about him and be able to get through my pregnancy without the added stress that he brings. He probably feels that because the judge granted a continuance that he has some power over me and that is really upsetting. I get to sit here pregnant, worrying about everything and feel completely powerless.

It’s like he’s going to find every way he can to continue to hurt me and make me glad he’s gone. I just want to know what I’ve done so terrible to deserve this shit. Maybe I’m getting too far in my head with this shit but I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have any control and my feelings don’t matter. This crap just makes me super worried about what the future holds. I mean if he can get away with all of this than what’s going to happen when I want supervised visitation? Will he fight that too even though he’s already proven to be emotionally fragile?

I wish I could talk to my Mom about this stuff but she always has me on speakerphone and I just don’t think my Dad or my little brother need to hear about this. I feel that it’s incredibly private and it’s MY stuff. My Dad only wants to hear about it so he has something to talk about. He’s not on my side at all and likes when bad things happen to me and everyone else because then he can sit up on his high horse and look down on everybody. He’s somehow into having the ‘holier than though’ attitude and it makes me fucking sick. He’s never worked, my Mom has supported him for almost 40 years and yet acts like he’s the greatest thing that’s ever walked the fucking planet.

I’m just sick of being completely on my own to figure all of this shit out. I can’t help but feel weak and vulnerable sometimes. I try really hard to maintain a positive attitude but I just feel really alone. I don’t feel like anyone is my corner other than my 2 friends. I know that my Mom would be more involved if it wasn’t for my Dad but it’s still not fair. I also think it’s bullshit that my brother and his girlfriend live right next door but they don’t give a shit either. It’s funny how the ones that should care are the ones that don’t care at all.

I got paid on Friday and just now paid all my bills online. I still have to pay the cable bill but I don’t want to run outside where it’s cold to get my debit card to do it. I’ll do it tomorrow. I also have to get my insulin tomorrow before I go to work and put some money in the bank. It’s been great being off for 2 days but my work week starts again tomorrow. I’m still super glad that I don’t work all day Saturday anymore though. It takes such a huge load of stress off and makes me a lot happier because I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Honestly so not ready for my days off to be over. It’s been great to just be at home out of the cold and get a break from work. I’m glad the nurse comes on Wednesday because it’s someone to visit with and then I have my OB appointment on Thursday. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last cold day and then it’s gonna be warm again so I’m looking forward to that. I just can’t handle the cold this year at all because I’m pregnant. I seriously feel like I’m going to freeze to death.

More later.