AWOL, MIA, LOL, MEH... in Friends With the Benedicts

Let’s start with the good shall we?

Dr. Allison, for all the hell she put me thru by making me wait ohhh sooo long for hormones, has managed to cure me with the last surgery I had. I have no more pain in my stomach, which is very good and I love it and all, but it also pisses me off. It pisses me off when I think about all the times I hurt and hurt and when I was going to the Seton Center and they knew I had a small ovarian cyst but I was told that it was “too small to be causing my pain”. Even though it was on the same side I always got pain on, and the same side I always hurt when I ovulated on. But hey, that was probably just a coincidence right?! No biggie. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I went to the ER that day when they told me I had a cyst, and referred me to Advanced Women’s care. At the Seton Center it seemed like all they ever cared about was making me jump thru hoops to cover their own asses after the surgery. You know what? AWC never hassled me about my blood sugar - EVER. Sure, when I had pre- op labs done, it included an a1c, and I’m sure that if it was off the charts they would have said something. But it was never presented to me as, “either you are this number or below or we can’t do it”. They knew I had to have that surgery! For once, my personal comfortability was considered more important than my diet. As a matter of fact, Dr. Allison never even mention my a1c numbers with me as a precurser to ANY surgery. She just did what HAD to be done. It was refreshing and made me feel taken care of and respected. Sure, they did have to give me insulin before I went into the OR once, but that was because they forbade me to take my meds beforehand. I expected those numbers. LOL. Anyway, so… I know I was bitching about the hormone sitch in my last entry, well, I am finally on Estradiol, and it hasn’t started working yet. So not only did they say 21 days and then change it to 6 weeks on me, but now, now that I am ON the stupid things, I find out that it could take another 6 weeks to start feeling any better. Thaaaaanks Doc. I still just wanna be mad at her sooo much. But I just find it so hard, because she is so much better than I am used to, and in this city especially, you know when you have a good thing going for you. And I do in Dr. Allison. I think she prolly thought I had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone when I went to my 6 week post op appt. LOL. The only thing I had to complain about was the menopause symptoms, and since she had no opposition to discussing meds for that, we had a very pleasant convo, debating which ones would be a right fit for me. She did examine my incision sites and they are all mostly healed, though she clipped one stitch out of one, that I didn’t even feel! She did an internal exam, which was fine, no pain, and cleared me for sex and I was all good to go! I don’t think she was quite prepared for that kind of visit seeing as how not even two weeks before I had been trying to get more pain meds from her. I swear it really still hurt! The burning, ahh… not good. As early as like, 8 or 9 days ago, I thought I was gonna have to be seen due to this incision in my side. It was killing me! But it resolved itself later that nite, and that was the last pain I have had, surgical or otherwise. Well, ya know… I always have pain, but I’m just glad to have eliminated the source of one location! One down, 836283 to go! LOL. Ha! MS says I don’t think so bitch! We here to stay in this body! lol.

So anywhooo… I have been away. There is no gigantic reason for that, I have just not been having such a good time at life. Laura and I are both very depressed right now. I am not entirely sure why on her part other than she has severe depression and probably because we are under constant threat of losing our home any month now. But I do know I have been down in it, and more so than usual lately. I went thru a period at the beginning of Feb. where I was having the “I can never have a baby/can’t give my wife who actually wants a baby one” blues. It was hard, because I got my best friend’s daughter Violet a bunch of presents for her 2nd Bday that was on Feb. 18th, and I was looking forward to going to her party the next day, but I just couldnt. I couldn’t drag myself up out of the despair and hands of sleeeep. We have both been sleeping as much as possible. It is really quite dreary around my house right now. Also, I have been eating and eating and eating. I was SO surprised when I went to that 6 week appt. and I only weighed 214. I thought for sure I was like up to 220 or pushing 230, the way I have been just gobbling everything in sight! I wonder if menopause messes with that ratio or anything. Hmm… Anyway, so yea. The happiness is lacking. We really need to get out of here and get into a new home we can feel safe and secure in. For a long time, we have both been thinking that it was likely going to be my Mom’s house again. I mean, it just makes sense, and it would be the best thing for us financially. We could pay them way less than we do even here, as well as save up to get our lives back on track. That would mean eventually a car, and then a new place to live, with ample time to find the right one. But, my mom’s house isn’t as new - person friendly as it was when we moved in the first time. It wasn’t even that friendly then, but we made it work. There are quite a few differences now, not the least of which include her twenty-one cats. Yea, 21. Le sigh.... I just don’t know what we are gonna do. There has been talk of us moving into her outside room we call the “locked room”, which is basically right now a tool shed on steroids. That would actually be less work than moving us into the house. And I think would preserve what little bit of sanity we might have after completing such a task. The last time we moved in, my brother wasn’t quite as bad off as he is now, (26 years old, addict, does nothing but lay in his bedroom now, sad.) and we also had another guy living there, my brother’s friend Danny who used to live with us. They both helped move. Storage units were involved back then too, and I definitely think they would need to be again, if not then maybe a portable POD type thingy on site for my stupid stepdad’s peace of mind. It would be mostly his shit we would be moving out of the locked room after all. I don’t know, I just don’t KNOW! We have also talked about possibly somehow obtaining a camper or RV and parking it in their (let’s face it, JUNGLE) backyard, but we don’t know if that is entirely legal. I am pretty sure it isn’t, but that hasn’t stopped us before haha. Well, now I wanna go and look into some of this shizzle because whenever I talk about it, it makes me crazy trying to think of a way.... a way OUT! We need help in the worst way. It’s hard not to be utterly depressed when it feels like you are in the deepest darkest pit trying to claw your way out, and they keep shoveling dirt on top of you. I hate my life. I love my wife… lol. But, I digress.........
Love you all and I hope you are all doing better than we are. I know some of you are dealing with horrible things as well and I am sorry. I love you all so much. <3 I never say this and prolly won’t again, but, I ask of you, in whatever way you believe, send us good thoughts or pray for us if you can. I don’t believe but if you do, I will take it. I will take any amount of hope right now, we are so desperate. Much love… <3

Steph