Sick game. in Since OD is shutting down....

You just can’t get anywhere with certain people, no matter what they’ve done to you or how hard you try. I never got to go with to get LO from school and never heard back so I messaged my brother and told him that it’s really unfair to ME that I can’t ever make promises to his kid and be consistent with her because they don’t allow it. I said that I have feelings too and it’s just not okay that I can’t have a good, consistent relationship with his kid because her Mother just won’t fucking allow it!

I feel like I’ve done nothing but fight and battle with people since I got pregnant because no one sees me as an actual human being that deserves to be treated fairly. I hope they understand that once I have my own kid, I won’t be in any position to keep begging and pleading to be in my niece’s life. I won’t have the time or energy so if they want to keep this shit up, I am not going to make time to keep trying.

Judging from today, I don’t see them coming to my ultrasound tomorrow. I only care because my niece wanted to come so if they don’t show up, I’m going to lose my shit. It’s just bullshit that I don’t even feel comfortable talking about my baby and dr appointments in front of my niece because there’s always a chance that she won’t be allowed to be involved. My brother’s girlfriend asked me last night if Eric was going to be around and I said no because he threatened to kill me and I’ve gotten a restraining order. I really don’t think it’s any of her business and I probably shouldn’t have said anything but at some point they are going to notice him not being present too.

Sometimes it’s just really hard to feel like people just want to feed off how much I care about certain things or people and want to use what they can to hurt me. It’s just really discouraging and depressing. I just don’t know what I’ve done to make things so hard but I’m also sick of being hurt and let down.

My one friend called today and we were talking about Eric. She thinks that he’s so mean because he wasn’t able to control me like he wanted. I agree because I think he was pissed that I wasn’t begging for him to come back, offering him a place to stay or asking him for anything. Well there was no point because he had asked me for money so obviously he wasn’t going to have anything to contribute financially. It’s sad that he was so mean and nasty because it would have been nice if we could have at least stayed in touch for the sake of the baby.

I’m really nervous about court and honestly can’t wait to get it over with. Again I don’t feel good about getting a RO on him but it’s in the best interest of me and my child. It sucks having to make decisions like that but he left me no choice. I’m going to provide my child with the best life possible, with or without him. He’s proven to be emotionally and mentally abusive with me so I have my concerns about how he could be with my child considering she’s 50% mine. My trust in him is completely gone. My hope is that if he has any interest in being a Dad, that he does what he can to get stable and get the help he needs.

I’m really excited about my ultrasound tomorrow. My friend is on her way here but she’s not going to get it until super late so she’s going to her in-laws where her husband is. I’m not sure when she’ll be around tomorrow but hopefully we can do lunch or something before my appointment. I also need her to haul a crib mattress I found for $20 that’s brand new still wrapped in plastic.

Anyways, I’m gonna start getting ready for bed and think about tomorrow. Goodnight.