I get it. in Since OD is shutting down....

Work was pretty decent tonight. We weren’t as busy as we expected due to the snow but I still managed to make $51. I’m happy with that. I’m glad I was able to stay few extra minutes too.

My brother, his girlfriend, and my niece brought me a present for baby. It was a cute pink bag with pink tissue paper that had mittens and a kit containing a bunch of stuff for medicine, a nose pumper thingy and thermometer. It was the exact same one I’ve been meaning to buy and all of it’s pink. I absolutely love how thoughtful that was and being able to see niece for a few minutes.

I’ve done some serious thinking tonight and I agree with everyone that’s left notes and my friends about Eric not even getting a chance until he’s ready to prove some serious change. He’s a danger and only until he’s ready to face that and get adequate help things aren’t going to change. I’m always about giving people more chances than they deserve and that’s why I’ve gotten used and my heart broken so much but now I’m going to have a baby to consider and her happiness and safety are the most important.

I do still plan to make attempt to contact his Mom when the baby is born because she seemed very nice and wants to be a part of baby’s life but I’m going to make sure that EVERYONE understands that Eric is to not be around.

The mental and emotional affects he’s had on me have been life changing and I truly don’t see myself being extremely forgiving for the things he’s done. I have no doubt in my mind that he has interest in his child but goes about displaying them the wrong way. I don’t owe him anything nor will I tolerate being bullied or manipulated whatsoever. I won’t allow him to use the baby to get to me and as far as I’m concerned, I don’t care if he were to ever come around.

Being pregnant has really opened my eyes to other people and how much their issues can really impact my life and there’s just no way I can allow him or anyone else to hurt her. He’s blown his chance. It’s been 3 months since we found out I was pregnant and every bit of contact that my friend and I have had with him hasn’t been pleasant so that tells me it’s time for him to be alone in his own world and figure out what he truly plans for being a Dad, if anything at all. There is nothing anyone is going to be able to say to make him understand that until he’s ready to be at least civil with me, he isn’t going to get anywhere.

I know I don’t have to let them see her and I can even move and not tell him where I’m going. He has no rights at least until he takes me to court which takes time and money so I know I’ll be able to make decisions on everything without worrying about him trying to get me for custody. He’ll never have the money to take me to court and more than likely will never see his daughter because he doesn’t have a car and is never going to be able to afford a bus ticket to even come for a visit. His life is a mess because of his own mental problems and selfishness and it’s up to him to work towards fixing it.

I just think it’s terrible that by the time the baby is born, he would have had 8 months to get himself a car to at least be mobile and that’s not going to happen either. It’s sad that he just doesn’t want better for himself than this. I’ve worked so hard my whole life to have what I do and for someone to be even a couple of years older than me and have NOTHING is absolutely absurd. I hope that plans to change but if someone doesn’t want to than there’s no way a baby is going to make a difference.

Now that he’s blocked my friend, I really fucking hope it stays that way. I’m honestly probably going to tell her that if they should start communicating again, I don’t want to see screenshots or even hear about it. We’ve done nothing but talk about him for a solid 2 weeks now and I just feel we’ve said everything we can say and I just want to forget about him and his behavior and concentrate on the things that actually matter.

I remember how alone and terrified I was after I found out I was pregnant but now that my Mom has started to be a bigger part of my life and I’m getting my niece back, I just want to focus on being happy. I’ve spent 6 months worrying I’d never see my niece again and now that I get to see her and hug her, it’s made such a difference in my world. All that matters to me is being a good person for her and my own baby, saving money, working, and being a good person.

Things are finally coming full circle for me and I finally feel like I can take a deep breathe and just enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I definitely don’t miss the first trimester because of the massive changes to my body, being tired all the time and having absolutely no support and now that I finally have things falling into place, I feel so much better about everything. I’m not as scared anymore. I’m grateful for my family and being in such a good place stability wise that I feel good about having my baby and know I’m able to take care of her, even if I don’t have a lot of help.

Now that I have almost everything I need for the baby, a good chunk of money in the bank and my taxes coming for maternity leave, I feel so much more ready. My anxiety is slowly slipping away because I’m going to be completely prepared for baby to come.

Anyways, I must lay down because my back hurts and I have to be up early. I’m hoping I’ll get a nap tomorrow but probably not because I plan to shop for niece’s party on Saturday. Goodnight all.