More thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have counseling soon so I’m going to make this quick. Since I took the paperwork to the Sheriff’s Office, I finally feel like I have some control over this situation. Whether he was just saying mean things just to get a reaction lets me know that he’s at least thinking about acting on his threats. I promise everyone I’m going to do everything in my power to keep him from our child and push for supervised visitation or I’m going to be sick if he’s ever allowed to be alone with her.

Being pregnant has really changed the way I look at the world and you just don’t fully understand a situation until you go through it yourself. I’ve had several friends go through this same stuff and everything works out fine so I’m hoping mine will too.

Now, I have to worry about how things will go at the hearing. I have to find a way to print out all of the screenshots. I’m unable to download an app to do it because my phone is out of space so I’m going to have to figure out how to do it. I wonder if he plans to show up, if he doesn’t than I won’t have to worry about him for 5 years. If he shows up, I’m sure they will still grant it, just probably not for that long.

The world is a very scary place and when you are expecting a child, it gives you even more to worry about. I’m going to have a baby to worry about. She’s my top priority and I’m gong to protect her. It is my job. It’s hard to grasp the concept that I even have to protect her from her own Dad. I just can’t believe this shit at all. It’s almost impossible for me to wrap my head around. He’s made this situation an absolute nightmare and I just hope he just stays where he’s at and gets the help he needs.

For him to get on a bus and make a life somewhere else knowing I was 6 weeks pregnant was selfish. For him to not even be there for me emotionally and instead, threaten me and hurt me every way he could think of was more selfish. He told my friend about signing over this rights takes the fucking cake. Not only did he leave, but is just wanting a way out from even helping me financially is the most selfish thing he could have ever pulled.

I know that he can’t just sign over this rights to avoid paying child support but I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t try. It’s just crazy how much he wanted a child and now that there’s one on the way, he is going to help whatsoever and leave me to do it ALL on my own. Then everyone wonders why I talk about getting my tubes tied?! It would be different if I knew I was going to have help but I’m still not sure that’s going to happen either.

This whole thing definitely makes me scared of not being able to do it all my own. I know I’m going to struggle even more if he doesn’t pay child support but I still plan to do everything I can to keep working and get back into school, even if it’s just some online classes for awhile. I try and remain positive because I have my own place, I have 3 cars, good credit, and I know I’m capable of doing this by myself if that really does end up being the case.

My daughter is going to have me and I’m going to have her. I already love her more than life itself. I got to hear her heartbeat again yesterday and every time I do, I get so excited. I’m going to have my own baby that I get to raise and be there for. I still miss my niece terribly but I’ll have my own and that’s what matters. It’s going to be nice having my own kid that people can’t take away or tell me I’m not allowed to see.

There’s a lot of good that’s already came from this. I never thought I’d get to be a Mom and in less than 6 months, I’m going to be. I do have my Mom and things have been going a lot better because my hormones are starting to stabilize. I’m very grateful for what I have and everything I have is because of my own blood, sweat, and tears. I am going to work hard to give my daughter the best life I know how and be the best parent I can be.

Anyways, I need to eat breakfast and start getting ready to go. I’m going to try and write more before I go to work later.