TWITTER: Standards in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

This isn’t unusual and it isn’t unheard of but it always strikes me. We have someone who is literally dying of liver failure on a week long bender. This woman is entirely a slave to her addiction and no matter what help we try to give her; she never accepts it. I acknowledge that this is a brain chemistry thing. Even if it were in question; this is a perfect storm of Nature and Nurture as her siblings are all either active or recovering Alcoholics. So the addiction is real and it is powerful. And it is heartbreaking that even when the State pays for it; she does not accept help. Even after doctors tell her she is killing herself; she does not accept help.

But here’s why I’m writing. I have no compunctions over using this space as a confessional. Nor do I apologize for knowing my “programming.” My programming pushed, specifically, that drinking whenever you want and doing whatever you want were symbols of success. Thus, when I hear about a woman drinking all day every day… my first reaction, unfiltered and with out thought, is a pang of jealousy. The thought “She gets to do what she wants all day, that’s so not far.” Forms in my mind. And I have to honestly stop myself. Consider things rationally. And make myself realize… she is NOT doing what she wants. She may think she is. She may honestly say to everyone she’s living the life she wants to. But it isn’t true. It can’t be true. Yeah, she doesn’t work and doesn’t have to put up with other people’s shit. But she has no money. She couch surfs with whoever will take her. She isn’t allowed to see or interact with her children. This isn’t “Partying All The Time” this is simply desperately feeding a habit that is killing her. And it makes me think about standards; my own and other people’s. Even knowing that she isn’t in control of her addiction… it still makes me consider what levels of hell I’m willing to deal with and for what price.

“Know thyself” is incredibly important to me. It is a subject I genuinely feel like we should all be experts in; but a subject I know most of us will never truly master. I’m no different. There are a billion things I wish I knew about myself… but knowing your standards is important. Living them, of course, is something much harder.