12/7 in 2016

hi all. reading my last entry i realize it sounds very depressing. unfortunately that’s just how i’ve been feeling on and off…for pretty much this whole fall semester. it’s not fun. the past few weeks have actually been much better. but today my brain feels broken. i was doing okay until i had a panic attack while walking from my econ class to my neuroscience class. it sort of came out of nowhere - school isn’t stressing me out too much at the moment. cole is spending the entire day (and night?) with hayle though and i think that is what upset me. all i know is that suddenly, i couldn’t breathe and i was crying. after about 10 minutes i calmed down by naming things i could see, feel, and hear - which is very effective, in case anyone reading has panic attacks.

i never went to counseling again. i actually skipped my appointment today because i left cole’s apartment too late. the thing is…i know what causes panic attacks, i know how to control them for the most part, i know the solution to most of my problems. right now it’s just something i need to deal with i guess.

i’m not sure if i ever mentioned the cole/hayle/me situation. hayle is cole’s best friend, they’ve known each other for several years. i’ve never met her. i’ve been really jealous of her for a few months now and it recently has caused some problems in our relationship that have finally seemed to cease. i was finding it really hard to deal with how much time he spends with her - always facetiming, spending the night at her house, driving 3 hours to visit her at school, them saying platonic “i love yous” on the phone. it makes me uncomfortable. none of cole’s other girl friends bother me, but she does. she’s very pretty. she seems confident. she seems to be everything that he would want and i just don’t know why he’s with me sometimes. but i’m working through it. i don’t WANT to be jealous and i have no real reason to be. i don’t think cole would ever cheat on me. i trust him. i’m very insecure.

the sex issue is still on my mind. here’s what i’m planning: i’m buying us a trip to chicago for a couple days next month for cole’s christmas gift. i’ve never bought condoms or sexy lingerie but i’m fucking doing it. i guess i have nothing to lose. i’m not trying to force him into anything but i’m losing my mind. i’m not sexually depraved or anything but i feel so bad about myself.

i only have one paper (that i should be doing now) and a quiz before final exams next week. and then i graduate!!! i’m so ready. i have no motivation for school whatsoever.

i will update next week or maybe sooner.