Whatever. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so I decide to creep Eric’s facebook page this morning. He’s posted a new profile picture with his girlfriend. This definitely hurts in more ways than one and I need to stop lurking because it really upsets me. I’m left here to get fat, worry about the future, worry about being a single Mom and he’s just out living his life not giving a flying fuck?! That’s great. I know that I told him to find someone and get happy but it sucks that I sit here by myself worrying how I’m going to do it all by myself.

I’m also sick of Facebook reminding me of pictures I’ve posted of my niece. Every time I see a picture of her, it makes me think of that day I took the picture and makes me miss her all over again. I honestly just want to forget about her for the sake of my sanity. I know I’m never going to see her again and I just don’t want to be reminded of her anymore. It just brings up a bunch of feelings that breaks me down and I wish I didn’t have to hurt over her ever again.

So far today, I’ve vacuumed, bagged up all the baby items and put them away, and cleared off my bedroom chair last night. I’ve been super productive lately but still need to go through my closet and get rid of a bunch of stuff so I can make room for my stuff that’s at my parents house.

Still not entirely sure what I’m going to do with one of my cars. I wish my Dad wasn’t such a greedy/selfish fuck and I could park one out there and not worry about him taking possession of it. Life would be so much easier if he was a normal person. I guess if I have to, I’ll just sell one. I’m not at all wanting to do that because all 3 mean so much to me and I’ve spent so much to have them and keep them running but I can’t risk leaving one anywhere near my Dad because I doubt it would take much to file for a lost title and have someone make a key. I just don’t trust him and I’m not going to get ribbed out a fucking car.

I also have to decide what cat I’m going to license too because the maintenance guy is going to be coming to recaulk bathtub and replace mini blinds so I can have at least one cat in the house and then figure out what to do with the other 2. I hate having to hide animals and knowing I’m breaking the rules but until I can buy a house or move to a place where they can be outside more, this is the only option I have. I will either have my Mom come for 2 of them or have to take the day off to put 2 in pet kennel and stash them out in the car until the guy leaves.

Today I’m definitely struggling to keep my emotions stable because I feel really alone and empty. Sometimes I get so angry wondering why I’m by myself. I’m scared I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve never had a normal, consistent relationship with a man and I probably never will because in this day and age most of them are just as fucked up as woman are and that’s why I plan to get my tubes tied. Being pregnant has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Emotionally it’s pushed me to my limits and I’ve found myself in the darkest corners of my mind so I’d rather not go through this ever again. I don’t enjoy being pregnant. I like knowing I’ll get a baby out of it but physically and emotionally, I honestly don’t want to experience this ever again.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot online about how men snake out of paying child support and pay just a couple of dollars a month to avoid going to jail. In a lot of places, they won’t do shit to them even when they owe thousands of dollars. It makes me really worried about having to do it all on my own without even some financial help. It’s just so crazy to me how men help make babies and find every possible avenue to not have to help raise them. I just worry that I’m going to always need welfare to help make ends meet because Eric’s not going to do much of anything to help with his kid.

Again, I know it’s not healthy for me to sit and stew over this because I can’t control what’s going to happen but I would rather think about it and prepare myself for the worst so then when it does happen, it’s not going to be as upsetting. The best thing to do would be the call and ask but I don’t know how to ask the right way because sometimes when I get nervous or anxious, I tend to stutter or not make much sense. I also worry that they’ll tell me there’s not much they will be able to do in order to enforce him paying it and then it’s just going to be an extra thing to be upset over.

I just have to have faith that things will work out for the sake of my child. I worry about having to work 2 jobs to make ends meet and then never getting to spend enough time with my kid. Life would be so much easier if I could plan on him helping out financially but I’m not going to be surprised if I’m going to be on my own with that too. I also don’t understand these women that don’t bother to file for CS for one reason or another. That dude helped create a baby and has just as much responsibility towards it as you do! There’s no way I’d let someone off the hook like that and then just struggle. You still will if he doesn’t pay but at least it’s affecting his life in different ways too. Maybe that comes out somewhat spiteful but I already know what I’m up against and I’m not going to just plan on letting him off the hook by not filing because the least he can do is send some money here and there to help me raise our baby.

OK So I decided to call and ask child support. They said they have the juristiction to serve him in WI and generally they cooperate. To establish paternity, he can either sign paternity affidavit or give him the option to do DNA test. He doesn’t have to pay it up front and it’s only $100. I asked her about some men only paying a couple dollars a month and she said they can generally get your more if they are working and they are able to take legal action if they don’t pay. She said they might not be able to get you the full amount, but at least some. I am definitely feeling better about this situation.

I wish I could just send him the paternity affidavit but I anticipate there being a lot of problems with that because I don’t want him having my SSN and he’d probably object to the name I pick out. I’ll probably call back and ask if I’d be able to have him fill out his portion and mail it to them and then have me come fill out my portion but I told her I’d prefer the DNA test because he’s gone back and forth about paternity. I also don’t want the baby having his last name, at least until it’s proven he’s the dad.

Also, now that he has a girlfriend I know that could make things more difficult too. I’m more than sure he hasn’t told her he has a baby on the way and now that he has someone, I can see him being more of an asshole about this situation. I also see him blaming me for him moving on because I blocked him. He left me no choice but it will still be my fault. I talked to my friend this morning about all of this and she even said that if I would have begged him to come back, paid for his bus ticket and offered for him to come live off me, he would be back by now. Well, I’m not going to have ANYONE living off me again. I’d much rather plan to raise the baby by myself than find myself in that boat!

I know all too well what it’s like to pay to have someone around and what it’s done to me emotionally so I refuse to do that again. I know that it probably won’t last with that girl unless she lets him use her and never disagrees with him and then he’ll more than likely come back but I’m not going to have the relationship with that piece of shit like he wants with me. He treated me like total shit until I finally got it through my thick head that we aren’t going to be able to get along and he’s going to be mean and abusive until I finally cut off contact. I don’t deserve the way he was treating me and it wasn’t going to stop until I fucking blocked him.

This is still so crazy to absorb that this is my life. I still feel so terrible that I got pregnant without a stable father figure for my daughter. I know that I need to just accept my mistakes and just try and make the best of my situation. It’s too late for the could’a would’a should’a. I really do wish things would have turned out differently or at least, Eric and I could stay friendly and do the best to get along for the sake of the baby.

Calling child support provides some comfort knowing that as long as he’s working, they’ll be able to get me at least some to help me out. My biggest concern is having help with daycare so I can work. I’d like to be able to just focus on my bills and buying only some baby stuff because I’ll already have close to everything I need that some help with daycare would be great. It’s nice to know that even if he doesn’t pay, they are able to take legal action and rip his license because maybe by then he’ll have one. I’m hoping that him having a girlfriend will motivate him to get his shit together so he can help out. I do worry that he’ll try and take the baby from me if he has someone but there’s no promise of him and his girlfriend working out either.

All of this definitely stresses me out because I hate not knowing how things are going to go but I know sitting around worrying isn’t going to change the outcome either. I just hope things work out, not just for my sake but for my daughter. I just hope I’ll be able to give her a good life and not struggle because of money. I know that I’ll work even harder because I have a child but it’s hard to not worry about things.

My friend is still trying to talk me out of getting my tubes tied. I told her I just worry about having more than 1 kid because then you are pretty much guaranteed to be reliant on welfare to help raise them and she said that’s not true because her and her husband are going to have a total of 6 when her baby comes and they aren’t on assistance. Exactly. She has a partner to help pay for everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that and I just don’t want to worry about getting knocked again and facing all these same problems for the 2nd time!!

I do worry about the regret factor but I just want to be as practical as possible and if the right guy comes along and he wants us to have a baby, well we can always adopt. There’s plenty of kids that need homes so we can always go that route. I just don’t want to continue having kids and having to worry about struggling financially and explaining to more than one kid why they don’t have a Dad in the picture.

So I’m going to watch some tv and lay down. My back is killing me. Ugh.