Happy Year of The Horse! in Everyday Ramblings
- Jan. 31, 2014, 12:43 a.m.
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- Public
When I woke up on Monday morning about the last thing I wanted to do was clock into work. I was emotionally exhausted from struggling with being face to face with a whole bunch of emotional insecurities all weekend.
“Am I going to be able to draw enough students to cover the yoga studio rental? Am I going to survive five and a half more years in this exhausting job? How am I going to deal with this aging thing? How can my older sister be turning 70?!? That is just absurd. “
(Little did I know Bruce was planning on shutting down Open Diary or I would have thrown losing that critical mechanism for self-expression and support into the mix too...)
But mostly of course the insecurities were centered on Mr. Fine China. Why do we have no additional plans to see each other? Was it the way I make tea? Was it the fact that his place is clean and organized and gorgeous and my place is practical and not properly furnished and rented and that I don’t have a car and don’t drive and am too old and…
I was tired from work and even though I totally enjoyed teaching on Friday I had no students on Sunday and had walked 7 miles on Saturday taking pictures like the one above and the one I just posted on OD and so on Sunday late afternoon when I threw myself out of the house and went walking up the Parkway listening to the last five hours of my dark but engaging audiobook The Invisible Bridge about Hungary during WWII and the plight of its Jews as told through the eyes of an architecture student and something very sad happened in the story, I just burst into tears and turned around and came home.
I turned off the book and just kept asking Why? Why? Why?
When I got home I looked at my phone and there were three texts from Mr. Fine China completely out of the blue… “Hope you are enjoying the nice weekend. Yesterday was a workday. Today is a day of getting house in better order. Baked corn meal muffins for bfst. Went to laudromat to wash n dry bedspreads so I can get bedroom back together. (His son just moved out for a job in Seattle.) Will sweep tree debris off driveway and see if I can get tax returns done… I know – a pretty exciting weekend for me! Hope yours has been more fun! :)”
I am going through throes of abject emotional agony and he is happily making corn meal muffins.
We ended up, after I settled down, texting back and forth about Sherlock Holmes all evening, but basically that has been it. One back and forth text I initiated about being busy on Tuesday.
One of the things that did occur to me that afternoon alone in the yoga studio was that I had many tools available to help with my mood and affect and sense of well being that I was not taking advantage of.
Today I took a much needed vacation day with everybody’s blessing and besides just plain resting, found some chants and visualizations that can help with this whole mass of insecurities.
This interaction with The Plate Guy has woken my restless internal pony, which is appropriate here as we move into the new lunar year and I am going to need some help letting her go wild across the unfolding spring. May it be so.
Wish me luck. :)
May your Lunar Year be auspicious and full of desires well met and fulfilled.
gypsy spirit ⋅ January 31, 2014
the answers to your questions will unfold in time......although I am surprised you plan to stay in that job another 5 years or more....you deserve better. Good luck finding yoga students.....and I do hope things turn over for the better with Mr Fine China. Lovely photo...keep them coming please. hugs p
RoseS ⋅ January 31, 2014
For Christmas, my oldest daughter found me first edition signed copies of two Marguerite Henry books, King of the Wind and Mustang... she remembered me recommending them to her as a young reader because she remembered I'd loved them as a young reader. The point is, of course, that horses are timeless. And lovely. This is your year noko! I believe it! I think Mr FC is just enjoying the ride, taking things slowly, which is really all you have time for. I hope you can relax and enjoy it too.
Ainetheon ⋅ February 01, 2014
Wishing you luck in abundance. I can so identify with all you have said around the insecurities, esp. when a male is venturing into our life-space / head-space. Have a good weekend and very best wishes, ~A~
Linda ⋅ February 01, 2014
I've been through the gamut of emotions so many times regarding Mr. Fill-In-The-Blank. It was quite a relief when I lost any desire in that direction. I know I'm an odd bird in this regard, but it is something for which I'm grateful. As to all the other things, we all go through times of existential angst. It passes. Many of us are having strong feelings regarding the demise of OD. I'm glad we are here. Love your photos. Hugs.
FishTacoLover ⋅ February 01, 2014
I like the visual of a horse, you, running wild!
Deleted user ⋅ February 01, 2014
I will look up The Invisible Bridge .. after The Book Thief, surprisingly to myself, I am now interested in the topic again ... despite having to close my eyes a lot in the movie. The book was in one way easier to take, but in another way it hasn't just receded from the background .. I need to look at it again when my friend has read it. I'm interested in where ou find your chants. Sanscrit? One thing about Zen was that I found the words hard to connect with ... although I love "Butsu" ... heh.
noko Deleted user ⋅ February 01, 2014
Sonia Nelson is the go to chant person in my world. But I also go to the Yoga Vida Ashram in Germany. They have podcasts and videos. Yesterday though I was listening to Sally Kempton's book Shakti Meditations in the audiobook format. Basically I pick chants up all over the place. My teachers say to chant the chants that sound good to you, that appeal to you on some level. I also love Deva Premal... Om Asatoma satgamaya tomasoma jyotir gamaya mrityorma amritam gamaya... :)
edna million ⋅ February 02, 2014
I'm so glad to know it's the Year of The Horse- I didn't realize that, and I looooove horses. That seems like it bodes well for the year. Mr. Fine China doesn't sound disinterested as much as he sounds like... an oblivious guy, really.