some people are way too into their looks. in 2017. got it.

so this might not go over well w/ some people. my sister’s one of them who’s way too into their looks. my mom tells me it’s cause she’s insecure. um wasn’t asking for a reason. yeah i’m insecure too but i don’t wear makeup all the time. ok it’s not the make up wearing i have a problem w/. my sister doesn’t look good in makeup but that’s not like.a major issue or anything. It’s more. she thinks that’s the only thing she’s ever going to be. and then she’s surprised when in the past she’s been hired based on her looks. yeah she posted a photo on fb of her in a bikini bra type thing. and she wasn’t like standing or anything or on a beach. no she was lying on her bathroom counter when she photo was taken. if she’d been on the beach that would’ve been fine. but............um yeah. don’t post that on a site like fb that’s what photo sites are for. i have photos like that too but the only person i’ve shared them w/ is my ex and i’ve never gotten them developed or posted them online. also i look sick in those photos cause i was sick cause i’d relapsed. just don’t post photos like that on fb. just don’t.
And the reason I don’t wear makeup is cause.i don’t want anyone saying anything about it. and by ‘anyone’ i mean my dad. yeah my anxiety seems to be worse w/ him then w/ anyone else i was thinking about this recently. it’s like my sister can’t just be who she is she can’t just.like not wear makeup. she’s really into things.which is fine but like.She gets her hair done or w/e. and she spends money on that. instead of just being who she is and doing her hair by herself. but obviously she doesn’t have the anxiety about that kindof thing that i do. so obviously she takes meds so she’s actually able to function. and she clearly doesn’t have a problem being public about her life [i know and yet here i am blogging about mine. no i mean being vocally public] or holding back. well it must be great to be in that little bubble where there aren’t any problems and when there are...........they can be fixed w/ meds. it must be great.to not be me. to not feel alone.
and see she has no idea cause she’s never been me.just as i’ve never been her. i just wish she were more private about things. like her addiction. w/e she’s told me about it i’ve never told anyone. Right cause it’s not my thing to tell even if to her it isn’t private. but it is to me. and i wish...........idinno. like not that i’d ever tell her cause i don’t do the whole change thing. but i wish.she would be how i am about things just so i wouldn’t feel so alone. about idinno a little over maybe 2 yrs. ago now. before my parents found out she’d been using...........well i liked that time cause they didn’t know.and for once she was like me.
anyway getting back to my point. My mom says the whole my sister being really into her looks thing is how she is. well yeah but she’s also vain. and looks fade and my sister can be...........well i rarely say bad things about people particularly ladies. but my sister can be a jerk. and i know i know. i have almost no room to talk here cause i haven’t always treated people right either. Yes but w/ people that don’t know me that well and i’m not that comfortable around which is most people. i’m nice. well usually. see when we get older [god that’s weird. when we get older]. i see myself being like the audrey hepburn type. [which is funny cause that’s how a former friend had me listed in his phone as ‘miss hepburn’ . i’ve never told anyone that] you know nice and sweet and lovely the person everyone loves. w/ apparently good skin too. and i don’t see my sister being like that. if she’s already like this now then. who’s to say she’ll change? well i don’t think she will and also i don’t believe she will. and i don’t want to. it must be great to be my sister and be comfortable around almost anyone so much so that she’ll tell them anything. again i don’t know.
yeah but. in the last like yr. or so. I’ve been a lot more open about telling people i have depression. cause i do and it sucks. like a lot. so how she is doesn’t take away from who i am. and i’m not jealous of her i’m not. i just want to fell less alone.
it must be great.to not have been raped. at least she can feel comfortable not wearing layers whereas i don’t. well that’s a reason. but the main reason is if I’ve lost weight I don’t want anyone saying anything about it. if i’m in layers they won’t. but she obviously doesn’t have a problem w/ anyone saying anything about her weight. [she’s thinner than i am but she’s also taller than i am]. or maybe she does but it doesn’t seem like she does cause well recently actually at lunch the other day she blatantly told us her weight.
it must be great.to be her and have everything all figured out and be able to function like a normal human being. and be ok. how nice for her to have that. how fukin nice. i wish she were more like me. it wouldn’t change how i am i’d just feel less alone. This isn’t the 1950’s. women don’t have to be that anymore they can be women they can be people. sorry but her looks aren’t the most interesting part of her. Women don’t have to just look good they can be other things too. they can be like intelligent. or really good at soccer. or really good at building things. or you know anything. [well maybe not literally anything]. We’re not just flight attendants. if they want to be flight attendants or housewives that’s ok. [and actually a lot of housewives read. and yes i realise being a mother is a full time job even though i’m not one]. but we’re not just there to be put on a shelf and looked at. and the thing is.........she does that to herself she talks about herself that way. if she’d stop talking about the makeup............and the looks and the vanity. we might just be ok. that’s one thing less that would bother me.
if i wanted to be around an object........or a thing...........i’d go out and buy, an object.or a thing. but i don’t i want to be around a person. i know maybe that sounds weird and maybe i’m taking it a little too far but that’s my point. it’s supposed to sound weird so people can understand part of the way she sees herself. yeah i have depression but i don’t surround myself w/ happy things just so people won’t know i have depression. [well i don’t surround myself w/ sad things either. and that’s more of an anxiety thing]. if she’d just admit i’m insecure and stop w/ the makeup and the aesthetics. then ok. i don’t have a problem w/ people being insecure that’s not the issue here.
i see her as well a jerk someone who doesn’t always treat people right. but also someone who’s really vain. looks fade so just hope you’re a nice person. and if you’re not well............sorry. her life not mine. i also see her as.someone i can’t relate to. and i want to and.well that was the main point to all this. and maybe i’m not being fair here but that’s not really.........that doesn’t have much of an impact on me so......... [i realise btw that for some people meds don’t work for them. and different meds work for different things. i have an issue w/ anyone taking meds cause i’m so damn entitled which is more my issue then theirs]. maybe this sounds weird........but back when she was using.........oh god this might sound terrible. well to me it does. there’s a part of me that liked that. cause she wasn’t better and so i could relate to that. i can’t relate to people who are better in that way. once they’re ok and better i’m no longer needed. my services are no longer needed. and i don’t like that. like i don’t have a use.
when she was using. i didn’t feel alone. i figured at the time that something had happened but i didn’t know the details. there was a period of time when she was actually nice.when she wasn’t a jerk. right cause she was on drugs. yeah i’m ok w/ her being nice. which almost in a way makes it sound like i’m condoning her using. and maybe i am. if only so she’ll be nice. if that’s what it takes then.maybe i’m kindof ok w/ that. cause at least she was nice. if i could go back in time to the time when she wasn’t in rehab. then yeah maybe i would. she was good when she was on drugs. ok well that sounds weird. when i’ve been stoned.i’m like the best person ever. i’m like nice and happy and agreeable. and i don’t get bothered by things. if having pot was a allowed in the house and ok w/ SSI and i was allowed to smoke it..........we wouldn’t have any problems. i’m the best person when i’m stoned. i might not do the things people asked cause i’d be stoned but i’d be agreeable as all hell. like ‘hey let’s go to the store’. ok. like ‘yes let’s go let’s do this thing’. wait............can’t too stoned to go. yes which is an example of again my point. see as an alcoholic. i’ll be fine when i’m drinking. it’s when i’m not that’s when the problem begins. cause of withdrawl and shit. yes but that’s how this started. is by drinking. [and actually i’ve cut back on that. no i’m just saying].

um. so yeah. vanity and looks and insecurity. and aesthetics. and drugs and using and nice. being nice. and women and feminism.

Last updated July 16, 2018