anxiety~paranoia~lightness in Random Thoughts

Its good to write directly after i see my therapist.

As i was driving home, a few thoughts were bubbling up because today was a more emotional session.

Often now, and definitely in the past, i’ve thought, “why therapy, its a waste of time. i;m a fraud when i think i need therapy.” an imposter i am(not), in this needing-therapy-carmen, in this professional-teacher-carmen, in this interesting-to-be-around-carmen.

It was the conversation about paranoia & anxiety and how its affected so much of my life and interactions with other people, choices i’ve made. I know. iknowiknowiknowiknow… it sereved to keep me safe as a child. It does not serve me now. And when i think about how its colored so much of my life, i feel a little devastated at all the pain i’ve caused myself, others, all the missed opportunities....

But this Carmen, me, right now. She does not dwell on the past. There is a light. A sense of relief. A learning of new ways-to-be that poke into that old, useless structure and cause changes.

I was relating my week at work and what caused me most stress. It lead to this ubiquitous feeling i’ve had regarding anxiety and paranoia. Always worried that i was not good enough, seen as inadequate, that all my flaws showed i couldn’t possibly do my job. The paranoia and anxiety would affect how i felt about my interactions at work, how i responded, my stress level in all parts of my life. But now…

Now I see it. I recognize. And from here, i can change.

That leads to lightness. Here is the situation, with my range of emotion from lightness and recognition to paranoia and anxiety.

I’ve had some communication issues with my 8th grade team. I’ve felt unfairly seen as the person who is “causing” the problems, or the person who is seen as inadequate (whether or not that is the truth). I’ve felt that my principal sees me as unfit and would prefer me to not be there. In reality, i have had some problems, and so has the 8th grade team. They are uncommunicative, have not expressed their concerns with me, very infrequently respond to email (which is the best way for me to communicate because i am so busy).

Something came to head right before winter break and it required a meeting with my administration, me, the 8th grade team lead, and my school psych. My first inclination was to assume it was all finger pointing at me, when in reality it was just a meeting to establish mediated or guided communication between me (special education teacher) and the 8th grade team.

I had to wander through various emotions from frustration at me, at the 8th grade team, at my school psych to recognizing this was good so we can have that line of communication and start building a good foundation of trust. Our first meeting, with administration there, was Friday.

The lightness i felt the day before was almost like my heart opening up, feeling a buoyant happiness that i get this chance to learn and grow and work on these areas in which i struggle. The meeting went well, we talked about students, shared information, and i left with a list of things i was going to follow through with (which i did).

But directly afterwards. Ugh. That horrible tightness in my throat and chest. The paranoia at every word my principal said, the worry that i didn’t recognize when i should stand up for myself, the frustration that i give in and do whatever i am told, and the fear that i am being treated unfairly and that people don’t listen to me and take me seriously. That and more. So much more. Wrapped in a little ball inside my chest.

I saw that within myself. And i knew it was not useful. That feeling would go away.

It did. And after school i met with a student and her parent and had a great meeting that reminded me of where my strengths lie and why i am doing what i do.

Little Carmen, i am so sorry you had to develop paranoia and anxiety to help you survive such chaos in your life. I am sorry you always had to take care of yourself and make yourself safe and take care of your siblings. You helped me develop some amazing strategies and ways of being in this world. But i am going to have to make some changes to what you established so deeply. I promise, those things will still be there, but i am going to create new pathways around them to help me. I love you, little Carmen. Thank you for keeping me safe and helping me to get where i am now.