I feel like myself. in Since OD is shutting down....

Since Friday morning, even before I got the news about having a little girl, I feel sane. I don’t feel as hormonal and even when I think negative or a memory pops into my head, I’m sad for a moment and I’m able to pick myself back up and keep going about my day. I’m hoping that because I’m approaching second trimester, my hormones are going to stabilize some and I can keep myself from getting too down and upset. The past few weeks have been the worst of my whole life emotionally and I don’t want to experience it ever again.

Work has been decent lately. I’m sure to wear full uniform, careful what I say about anyone and have maintained a more positive attitude. I’m trying really hard to be a better person and turn over a new leaf. I’m going to be responsible for another human life and that’s something to celebrate. Honestly, there’s no greater feeling. I just can’t wait to meet her. I get so excited when I think about holding her for the first time and knowing this one is mine. No one can take her away from me, tell me I’m a danger, or be making decisions for her other than myself.

As of today I’m 13 weeks and 4 days. I still can’t believe I found out I was pregnant and 5 weeks and it’s already been 8. It’s been 2 months already. Holy cow. It’s downright insane. I can’t believe that in 7 weeks, I’ll already be at my halfway mark. I do have a feeling she’s going to come early. I decided that as far as work goes, I’m going to try and work up until my due date, just work only 15 or so hours a week, short 4-5 hour shifts. Of course, it’s going to depend on how I feel too. I wouldn’t be surprised if my feet are super swollen or my back is killing me but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Not sure why, but I got up super early today and took a shower. It’s nice outside and the sun is shining. I asked a so called ‘friend’ to come help me downsize my baby’s room closet and of course, she wasn’t able to so I get to do that by myself too. I didn’t even really want help, I wanted company more than anything. It really bothers me that I don’t have anyone there for me but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s bullshit, especially when it’s people that know BD isn’t around and my family doesn’t care but what are you gonna do? I’ve already spent more than enough time letting it get to me that I won’t do it anymore. It’s just not fucking worth it.

Eric had posted a couple of days ago that he was there for the wrong reasons and was going to come home and then last night posted something great happened at work and was feeling in love. The post about him coming home is now gone so I’m wondering if he met someone and now it’s influenced his decision to move back. I don’t even know why I care. Even if he does come back, we probably aren’t going to be any better than we were before I blocked him and his family out of my life. I know that it’s better for me that he’s not around but I do wonder about when the baby is born and what I should do. I just don’t want to deal with drama and chaos anymore.

I’m going to watch Undercover Boss and relax because my back hurts sitting up. More later.