Whatever. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been a lot more stable emotionally since yesterday. I hope it lasts. I only got to work 2.5 hours last night because we were dead as fuck. If this continues, I’m going to find another job. I have a baby on the way and can’t afford to watch my savings be depleted because my boss was a greedy prick that opened too many stores so now none of them make shit. I got food after work and ran into a girl from my past. It reminded me how much I miss all of those people and wish things could have turned out so different.

I have the nurses coming over in about 3 hours so I’m going to eat breakfast and vacuum. I’m just feeling really frustrated with things. I hate that things are so fucked but I can’t reach out to anyone anymore. I’ve already wasted so much energy doing so just to end up really sad or angry so I plan to just leave everyone the fuck alone. I reactivated Facebook but decided to block a bunch of people and keep on keepin on. That’s all I can do. I can’t let other people’s actions or lack thereof affect me so I completely shut down because that’s not helping me whatsoever.

The worst part of pregnancy is feeling fine with everything one minute and bursting into tears the next. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’ve kept so much in for so long and now the hormones are making me feel everything. I can’t wait until my emotions are stabilized again. I have 189 days left of being pregnant. I am gonna be so happy to have my body back and be able to feel myself again.

It’s really hard to be alone all the time but I’m going to talk to the nurses and see if they could recommend ways for me to meet people. I’ve gone as far as I can with my own family, and even Eric’s family that it’s time to just get myself out there and see if strangers are going to provide more comfort than the people around me. There’s nothing I can do about these people letting me down other than to try and find new ones.

I’m trying really hard to take all of this one day at a time and make the best of my situation. Everything happens for a reason, including this. I think having a baby is going to be the push I need to get a better job, and even go back to school. I just can’t help but think I have so much to offer to world and I’m wasting it working in a fucking restaurant. I want better for myself and for my child. Once I’m on maternity leave, I want to get some applications in other places. I’d be really happy to not go back to the same shit hole that’s made me really beat down, taken away my confidence, and has made me feel like I’m never going to get anywhere as long as I stay.

I’m going to eat breakfast and try to write again after the nurses leave.