289 (1) in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

So… yeah. The internet in my home is fucked. Like… we have the best we can get for our area… but it isn’t what I would call stupendous. More stupid. So… again… I am 3 full pages behind in bookmarks.

Which sets the tone nicely for how I feel today.... just… consumed with the desire to flee. The architecture of this community is “wicked old, impoverished” so… houses don’t have garages. The few that do… the garages are designed for storage not cars. So when we have an ice storm… cars are buried under ice. And add to that how the skies remain gray. I spoke with Wife about it and she noticed it, too. The sky is always gray here. Even when it isn’t snowing or raining or icing… the sky is gray. You don’t need to suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder for a permanent gray sky to start affecting you. So… yeah. In my marrow, I am desperate to get out of here.

My empathetic nature, though, makes me feel like a shit for that. Because Cecilia’s husband died over the weekend. And Cecilia is the closest thing I have to a friend in this county. So I feel terribly for her.

Back to my desperation to leave this fucking place… I took a Professional Career Hunter Assessment and it suggested.......
Personality
People Person: Enjoys working with and helping people. Strong desire to solve social problems. 38%
The Problem Solver: Enjoys analyzing and solving problems. Prefers observing, thinking and understanding information. 32%
The Creator: Enjoys creating new ideas and things. Relies on feelings, imagination and inspiration. 31%
Suggested Careers
Speech Language Pathologist
Marriage & Family Therapist
Pharmacist

Well… shit. Because… I won’t lie… I have often considered being a therapist. But… that boat has long since sailed. I got my Undergrad in Religion… I have my JD… going back to school would be… unacceptable to my family. Shit.

Frankly… I’m getting downright sick of it. I hate it here. Wife hates it here. The few people that are in the same office building as I am? They hate it here. I am surrounded by “This place sucks.” And everyone in this county has a silent addition to that… “This place sucks; but it is how it has always been, so shrug.” And I’ve never been that kind of person. My silent addition is… “This place sucks; and I can’t stay here.” But… I am banging my head against the brick wall. Trying to figure out how to get out of here. And, of course, it is made much worse by my own doubts about my current career. If I was gung-ho “this is what I want to do forever”… then I imagine I’d have less apprehension about simply packing up and moving to a better place.

But that is an interesting metaphor for who I am, methinks. Because.... one could argue: I took a job in a bad place; I dislike the place and it affects my emotions and mental health; I begin to doubt myself more than ever; I begin to doubt my abilities and conviction; I wish to leave the place but don’t feel confident in myself to succeed anywhere. If that same cycle happens to other people around here… it would explain a lot. In fact, the Anime Watching Sci Fi Loving mind of mine already took it to a Fiction Concept. The Town That Ate Lives. Demonic Miasma over the town that traps the souls of inhabitants. The longer someone stays, the harder it is to leave… the harder it is to leave, the more urgent the need to leave is… until the person either kills themselves or submits to the demonic life draining cycle completely.

RANDOM:
Despite what approximately 80% of people who met me prior to 2010 would argue… I am not gay. That being said, there was a Cracked.com article about a gay man married to a woman. And the way they ended that article hits home in a truly painful way:
No one’s a good guy, no one’s a bad guy, everyone’s kind of bummed out, and the best-case scenario involves quietly holding onto pain with one hand while masturbating furiously with the other.

Status Quo:
When I first moved here and started this job… I had to use the office for internet. I didn’t get much work done because there wasn’t much work to do and not much that I even knew how to do.

Presently?
I’m using my office for reliable internet. I don’t get much work done because there honestly isn’t much work to do. Truthfully, most of my day could be spent carving faces into orange peels most of the time.

14 cases. I have 14 cases right now. That includes 4 that I received from my Boss because Ran didn’t want to do them. So… traditionally… 10 cases. Most lawyers have between 50 and 100. Most government lawyers have between 100 and 200.

And it establishes that damned paradox again. (1) Clean my desk; buckle down and just wreck these cases; be completely without cases because (unlike most places) that is actually something that could happen here. or (2) Dick around; deal with cases as the mood strikes me; allow apathy to slowly cripple my mind because (as you are aware) that is actually something that is happening here.

Which goes to what I was discussing before. About cycles and the like. If I had my original Professional Mint Condition Personality… I would be the first option. But I have my Up North County Heavily Damaged Condition Personality… being the second option.

I’ve said this before… I’ll say it again… and I mean it deeply every time.
I’m tired. I’m tired of hating where I live. I’m tired of feeling so much doubt about career. I’m tired of wanting (more than anything) to just… return “home.” I’m tired of knowing how returning “home” won’t actually be a magic fix! Thing is… if teleportation were a thing, I’d be fine! Giving me the opportunity to not be so isolated, to see friends, to go to restaurants … that’s all I’m asking. But as it is… a 6 hour round trip is draining. I need a full day of recovery just from the drive to see friends.

In the last 9 months… have you grabbed an impromptu drink with friends? Have you chatted with a co-worker during your work day? Have you popped off to a quick shop randomly? Have you caught a movie on the Friday it came out? It might seem ridiculous (it is certainly repetitive by this point)… but for thirty years; these things were available to me. College Years? Clubbing, Movies, Video Games w/Friends and Enemies alike. Post College? I’d grab a drink at the bar with co-workers; I’d host gaming parties; we’d hit up Fong’s or The Lift; we’d stop by The Art Center or The Science Center; we’d catch movies or go swimming. Law School? There was always something to do, and bizarrely, always time to do it. We visited Haunted Houses, Museums, Concerts, Chic Bars, Trivia Contests, Arthouse Movie Theaters.

What I Have Learned Best (by living where I do):
Poverty is less to do with factual monetary standing and more to do with experiences available. I say that because (honestly) I felt worlds more wealthy making Best Buy wages in Des Moines. Access to friends, art, learning, commerce, entertainment.... versus now. Where I know I’m making considerably more money. And feel considerably more impoverished. One of my great fears was being poor. I know it sounds superficial but it is true. I fear being poor. But, even though I’m making money here… I’ve never felt more impoverished.