so yesterday [again]. in 2017. got it.

god i’m tired.

this is long btw.

so yesterday was Thurs. yesterday was long.and weird.and cold. um so I got to my mom’s around 12. My dad told me to wait there for her. [oh my parents live together i just always refer to it as my mom’s. i picked it up from Pat]. um so after an hr. She came and told me we were getting new sheets at Target. um ok. what she means is ‘you have no say in this and i’m going to decide’. well some time ago she’d asked me to look at the size of the sheet i have. well apparently what happened was she called the lady and asked her. which i don’t remember being a part of. right bc i wasn’t. like i was going to get back to my mom.............on my own time. not right when she asked. and also i was going to go w/ my sister to look at some.
well so after my mom & I went to um lunch we went to Target.in the cold. yeah i wasn’t wearing my winter coat cause at my mom’s before she came it got sunny and warm out. and so i’m like ‘you’ll be fine’ which no no i wasn’t. like and i know i’ve mentioned this before. i hate being cold. when i get cold i get irritable and then it causes problems for everyone else and it causes problems for everyone else cause then i’m irritable and not good company. i’d much much rather be too warm then too cold. so that’s a reason i didn’t want to go but not the main reason.
so well. The only ones that i liked that we found were blue but the one I have is navy blue and i don’t want to get confused. i like soft things but they were light colored which seems like a terrible idea for linens. so we didn’t get any. but had we i wouldn’t’ve brought them over to the house right away. i’m not a v. right away kindof person.
so then.I went back to her house for an hr. We talked about hygeine and stuff. I told her most of the time i’m not trying to impress anyone. you know it’s not the 18th cent. when people did that. when people dressed up to go out. like when my grandfather was growing up. he was born in ‘20 so when he was growing up people dressed up to go out. most of the time i don’t care if people want to be around me. in fact it’s better if they don’t. good maybe they’ll leave me alone. no but like.that’s not really a thing though cause most of the time except for the people at bath & bodyworks people do leave me alone. no it’s that.my hygiene honestly isn’t a big thing to me. unless something about it is really bothering me.then i usually won’t do anything about it. like people don’t want to be around me ok well that’s fine. they like me cool they don’t ok. The really annoying thing is that most people do like me. i have depression the people liking me isn’t a good thing. a lot of people w/ depression don’t want to be here. i don’t. everyone’s all like ‘oh she’s so sweet’ or ‘she’s so nice’ or ‘so quiet’ or w/e. my mom isn’t one of those people. neither’s my sister. the thing that bothers me about my sister is she doesn’t hold back. and i really wish she would. [actually that’s funny cause evan once told me that was his biggest problem w/ me is that i do]. anyway so that really doesn’t have much to do w/ yesterday.
my hygiene’s not great but. well since i’ve moved I have been doing a lot better. well w/ certain things. like so i have this somewhat new um lotion. it’s from bath & bodyworks and it smells sweet. and that’s why i love it. it smells good and I really like the smell and so i want to smell like it. you know for me cause it’s like content and pleasing. like someone could have a shirt they really like and then they wear it cause they really like it.for them. [but if others like it then that’s cool too but that’s not why they’re wearing it]. well nothin wrong w/ doing things for ourselves. well depends on what it is. you know that doesn’t apply to like everything. it’s like that song by the eurythmics.
i actually.back in HS used to wear vanilla. but then. the last time i was raped i was wearing vanilla and so now.i won’t wear it. same w/ um cherry and lavander although it’s not often i smell cherry. yeah a lot of people like the smell of vanilla. and i um don’t. i used but then well anyway.
I told my mom that showering is a whole huge process for me. ya know it’s not just i get in there and like do it. no i have to undress and then redress and then get the water off the walls [cause i hate when after a show er a shoer shower i mean there’s still water on the walls.of the shower] and it’s just.all of that takes a long damn time.my god. same w/ washing my hair.
um so.which she understood that it’s a whole big process.thing.
um so the we talked about the teeth thing. which really i don’t want to go into. i’ll just say that i’m going to do better an and i’ve already started. although it’s not just the actual act of brushing my teeth. part of it’s psychological. i told her that much. yeah um i have depression which i’ve become more open about telling people. i’m not like embarassed about it. it’s incredibly fukin hard but i’m not embarassed about it. Part of the condition is not being motivated. like the person isn’t motivated to do anything. at all. even drink. this is sometimes the reason meds don’t work. it’s not the meds themselves [although yes that said sometimes people do try different meds]. it’s the motivation to actually get up and take them. from what i’ve read not that i have experience. i didn’t understand this about depression untill recently and i have it. A lot of people don’t understand. but some people want to know more and some don’t.
and also. w/ depression there’s that sense of worthlessness. like ‘oh this person isn’t deserving enough to’ like. go outside or w/e. depression is a real bitch. it’s terrible and you feel terrible and you have to actually try to fight it. the actual physical act is like it’s hard for me. but the depression part is much harder. it’s so stupid when people ‘go well just go do somethign!’ i can’t. and that’s exactly why i can’t. is bc i’m so depressed. do you have it no no you dont so you can’t talk. [i don’t mean you personally the person reading this. i mean people who say ‘well just go do something’. this is like when i got upset w/ my dad for something that he’d said and being the passionate person i am and being a feminist i went ‘well you can’t have children can you?’ and that shut him up. also that rarely happens between us. guys can be feminists too].
um so. yeah that talk took about 2 hrs. maybe. or maybe not that much. so that was weird. my mom’s not v. well she’s not the easiest to talk to. it wasn’t bad in a moral way it was bad.well bc it was different.
so then.I went out and this time I was wearing my winter coat and good thing too. i went out in the snow. on the way there i had a panic attack. [oh ‘there’ being whole foods]. i ddn’t know what it was at first i just knew i was upset and scared and needed someone. i kindof wanted someone to ask how i was but i also didn’t. but i was like. w/ it and present enough to know i needed to get inside. that survival instinct ya know? also i wasn’t wearing all my layers so I was still cold. and like i’ve said before that thing about me and being cold.
so I went inside and reminded myself of where i was and that there were lights. like ‘see you’re inside now. there are people and oh look lights pretty’. i got chai. I was going to get something to eat but I couldn’t decide and also i was tired and also time. oh but the chai was free cause i have one of those card thingys so that was awesome. so I went back to my mom’s where we had dinner and then got ready.
oh so my mom & I saw ‘fun home’ that new show. it was nominated for w/e they give out. yeah that’s what i told my dad earlier that day when he asked. like yeah you know that one award. no i don’t sorry. [my mom did that the other day when we were at the store she’s like do they have that.............you know those things........keebler’. no not really. oh that’s the other thing we did yesterday is we went to the store]. the tonys i think it is ‘that one award’. um right so ‘fun home’. it’s well evidently it’s a musical which i didn’t know untill i read it in the thingy. It’s really interesting. it’s about lesbianism and sexuality there we go that’s the word. and relationships and a family. oh there’s a suicide in it it’s not graphic or anything.
um so then we came back to my mom’s via my dad. downtown was so pretty. [well ok by downtown cause whenever i say ‘downtown’ i mean 16th st. ]. where i ate. cause being upset makes me hungry and so does the cold weather. ya want me to eat get me pissed off and send me to alaska or wherever. [actually i’ve been doing better w/ eating w/ the eating]. oh i also had hot chocolate. cause cold. w/ buron in it burbon in it god i needed that.
um so that was yesterday.

Last updated September 20, 2017