Saturno Contro in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

One of the pitfalls of saying everything is sunshine and lollipops, or just admitting to have a positive attitude, is that you leave the door open for something REALLY bad to happen. That’s usually why I never openly admit to feeling positive, it seems to invite negative energy to come back to you, despite what all of those karma police seem to say. Saying you’re happy and everything is great is just a very bad omen, in my book.

Last night, I ended up hanging out at my usual spot, my friend Heather showed up with a whole crew of people in tow. I usually don’t associate with her when she’s in a large group of people, but there was this guy in the group who was unusually magnetic. He said within minutes of meeting him that he was straight, but did that typical flirt thing that straight men seem to do when I’m in this area.

I have this theory, because this never happens when I’m in cities with a gay Mecca like West Hollywood, Boystown or Castro… or even le Marais. Straight men get off on the interactions they have with gay men while, often simultaneously, being repulsed by the fact that they’re arousing another man.

This guy wasn’t quite at that level. We were having a really interesting conversation that lead into another interesting conversation. I ended up going back to his house to talk more and I didn’t get home until 4am… but it was just talk. And he wants to hang out on Tuesday. I don’t even know what to make of it all because it was equally frustrating and hopeful. I mean, I would like more friends… and frankly, I get along best with men… especially straight men. I have a level of fear when it comes to them about their heteronormativity, especially since I catch myself policing my behavior anyway.

Is this repetitive behavior really doing me any good? Or am I setting myself up again? How am I still making the same mistakes all these years later? Or am I really making them because I’m second-guessing myself already?

It’s been said that I cut people out and don’t let them in. To be quite honest, I don’t even know what that means. I tell people what I think and what I feel. I don’t play games with people’s affections. Am I supposed to feel more? Less? Something else? These aren’t questions that can be easily answered because the answers are dependent upon the person’s personal experience and opinion. In my experience, people want you to love them their way… but I only know how to love someone my way.

What is it that I’m always saying? Right, destiny rules.