Hormones are a mother. in Since OD is shutting down....

Tuesday was really fucking bad. I was really down and then decided to message Eric. I feel like I just have to keep reaching out to him because it’s his kid too. It was the same old story of his bi-polar bullshit of stating he missed me but then reminded me why he left. He said it was to get out of here, away from me, the drama, and his ex’s. He then kept talking about how if he came back he wouldn’t have anywhere to go and I wasn’t going to let him stay with me because I’m a heartless bitch that doesn’t care about anyone but myself. He went on to say for me to ‘just let him live his life’ and that’s when I told him good luck and blocked him.

The selfishness he’s displayed for 2 months now is too much for me to bare and I know I’ve said this before but after that statement, I don’t plan to talk to him again until the baby is born. It’s awesome that he’s changed his mind and it’s inevitable that I’m going to be doing this all on my own. He just doesn’t fucking care and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I know that if at some point after the baby comes and he wants to be around, I don’t know how accepting I’ll be because it’s like okay, you’ve abandoned your child once how do I know you aren’t going to do it again?!

I honestly just couldn’t stop crying and then my friend Heather called. She said that it just seems worse than what it is because of the hormones. She told me how sorry she was and that I’m a very strong person that can get through this. I know that but I’m sick of ‘strong’ being my only option. I wish for even one fucking day I had someone to lean on. I don’t have anyone, all I have is me. There’s no support here at all and some days it’s really fucking hard to deal with. I could handle this before I got pregnant because of cigarettes and pills but now I have to stay stone cold sober and try to make it. It’s not easy and is just getting harder.

I tried to call my Mom and of course she doesn’t answer. I text her and asked if she had time to talk. I get a text back saying she’s busy and she’d try and call back later on. Mind you, she doesn’t have a fucking job so what the fuck is she so busy doing?! Needless to say, she never called back and I sent a couple of really nasty text and she of course blames me for everything. She says she doesn’t talk to me because I yell and then hang up on her. She loves to put any and all problems on everyone else because she refuses to take any blame at all. This makes me absolutely furious. I asked her why she isn’t a grandmother to my brother’s kid because there’s absolutely no reason for it and then of course she doesn’t answer. Typical.

Work has been alright this week. Not talking to that girl but everyone else is super cool with me. I’ve also made sure I’m wearing my full uniform and very careful what I say. I keep getting off an hour early every night and it’s getting frustrating because my paychecks are starting to suffer. I’m also behind on rent because I didn’t send them enough money because I don’t know how to fucking read so I have late fees and have to take them a check before I go to work today. Fuck.

Some days I’m thrilled to be having my own mini me and other days the thought is terrifying because I have no one to care. No one there for me. I have baby appointment tomorrow morning and I’m pretty sure my friend is going to come. I text Eric’s Mom but she hasn’t responded yet so I have no idea what is going on with her. I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to have any help once the baby comes. No one gives a shit about me so I don’t see them showing much interest in my kid either.

Dental cleaning on Tuesday went awesome. He said he hopes I pass my beautiful chompers down to my kid. I’m also at low risk for cavities because I see them regularly and take care of them. This just makes me so happy because I remember 5 years ago when I had 7 teeth pulled and 10 filled. Ugh, never again. I try so hard to take care of them. Now that I quit smoking, they are probably 4 shades whiter which makes them look even better.

I’m 12 weeks now. I’ve definitely gained some weight and need to look into getting some maternity pants. I know that they are expensive so I’m trying to hold off but I have to wear a belt with all my jeans and it’s super uncomfortable. I guess there’s a store in the mall that sells maternity stuff that will give you a bunch of free samples and coupons if you tell them your a first time Mom so I might check that out eventually. I’d like to find someone to come with me because I don’t want to do everything by myself.

Anyways, it’s super early and I’m just waiting for my friend to call because it’s like the highlight of my day to talk to her. I do plan to go back to sleep after because I’m fucking tired. Yesterday I took the most glorious nap and was still just so tired before I left for work. I know that it’s from being pregnant but it’s this cold ass weather too. It’s seriously so fucking draining!!! Today is supposed to be the last cold day and then it’s supposed to be a whopping 18 degrees tomorrow.

I have counseling in 8 days and I’m hoping that only are we going to take about boundaries and me learning how to set them but also how to communicate with people who won’t see how they are ever wrong. I honestly feel like I just fight a losing battle with everyone and I’m not allowed to call them out on their shit because then I don’t hear from them at all. I just don’t see this as fair and it honestly hurts me at the end of the day. I’m not allowed to say anything because no one can ever understand that the way they treat me isn’t okay so once I mention it, then they become even more distant. I don’t fucking get it.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes with people because of loneliness so that’s why it’s always been hard to set boundaries. Even now, I’ve thought about finding another roommate just because I want someone to eat dinner with and someone to talk to at night but I know better. People are users and abusers. I’m in no fucking position to be used right now because money is tight and I still have plenty of things on my baby list to buy. I’m just terrified of having another bad living situation that I don’t even know when I’ll even consider having another person living with me. Most of them are trash and have nothing to contribute so it would be another episode of someone moving in, living off me, and then me kicking them out. No thanks.

It’s just really hard being all by myself. I have no support at all and sometimes I wonder when I’m going to snap. No one cares about me. I have 3 friends and only 1 lives here. I have the one that’s going to come with me tomorrow. I used to work with her but we don’t know each other super well but I do appreciate having some kind of support because the first time I went to a baby appointment, I went by myself. I just suck at people caring about me. Sometimes I get so down that it’s amazing I can get through the day. I’m glad I only work part time now because not only am I exhausted but it’s nice to get off early and just come home to be by myself.

Everyone says that I need to hold onto hope and maybe people will start coming around but because they’ve all known for over a month that I’m pregnant and I still barely hear from them, I don’t stay too optimistic. I honestly shouldn’t have to wait for them to decide to be in my life, that’s bullshit. I can’t live my life on hold hoping people change their mind and choose to come around.

more later