Counseling. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had my appointment yesterday and I think it went well. It was definitely nice just to sit down and talk with someone that I don’t have to worry about gossip or bullshit that can make me look at shit from a different perspective. He did ask if I thought about abortion and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair to my child just because things aren’t perfect right now. He mentioned how some women do it and don’t think about it again and other women feel a great sense of loss. It’s like okay well I’m not willing to find out. He asked about adoption too and I’m not willing because this is probably the only child I’m going to have and I want my kid.

We talked about my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, my old roommate, my kids’ Dad and he asked if I feel a lot of guilt and I broke down. I do because of my niece and my little brother. I was asked if I felt like I’ve made a lot of mistakes and again, yes because of loneliness I’ve let people use me, walk on me and he said that he thinks I have the tools to make everything happen but we are going to work on me saying no without explanation and setting healthy boundaries. I just want to feel like people are in my life because they want to be, not because they expect me to do shit for them.

I know that having a baby is going to be hard because I have zero support but it’ll get easier once the baby is here and I adjust to everything. The hardest part is going to be finding a sitter so I can get certain things done while I’m on maternity leave. I’m stressed about it now when it’s still several months away because I’m already anticipating no one helping but I’ll figure it out somehow. I know that having a baby by myself is going to be the toughest journey of my life but I’m not going to abort it or adopt it out either. I’m not the first single Mom nor will I be the last.

I had told him what my brother’s girlfriend said about me being a danger to her child. I told him how much I’ve done for my niece and the money I’ve spent. I talked about how I used to take her every weekend just because I wanted to be a part of her life and he said there’s nothing more I can do and it’s best to just leave it alone. It’s just really hard because I miss her so much and I wanted my child and her to know one another and be able to be cousins but it’s just not going to happen.

It’s not easy for me to accept things I can’t change. I know they say if you can’t change a situation to change the way you look at it and even that isn’t working. It’s just so terrible how crazy, mean, and irrational people can truly be. I’m angry about how much I’ve bent over backwards for everyone and now that I need them the most, they refuse to be there for me. I just don’t know how to process this without having really negative feelings. It’s not fair but such is life. I think from now on when people need anything, I’m going to let them know that I’ll help them when they start helping me. It’s not because I don’t want to help, but I need things to start being a 2 way street.

My parents are an absolute joke and I’m super angry that they’ve made NO EFFORT at all now that I’m pregnant, except for when I paid my Mom to come clean up after my cat. Unless I’m willing to pay them, they aren’t going to do jack shit regardless if there’s a baby involved or not. It really sucks that they are like this but I don’t expect anything less. I really wish I understood why they are so selfish and uncaring. I know that it’s probably better this way though because they aren’t ever going to change but it’s still a shitty spot to be in. I have no one to give 2 fucks about me or my child.

I can’t do anything about it. I can’t MAKE people care or MAKE them come around. I know that I’m more lonely now than I ever have been but maybe once my kid’s born, people will come around and want to help me out. I can’t say no one will because I can’t predict the future but this is going to be way harder without ANY type of help whatsoever.

Anyways, I work 30 minutes later today and I might go lay down because my left side is hurting me. I get my cable hooked up Friday morning and I’m beyond excited. I originally planned to get some food tomorrow night when I got off work so I could just hole up in my house and watch tv all day Friday but now I picked up a shift so it’ll have to wait until I’m off Saturday night. It sucks but I need money too. I bitch that I don’t get enough hours so I gotta take them when I can and once I’m further along, it may not be an option if I’m big and miserable all the time.

I go from excited to super anxious/depressed a lot. I hear that’s common in the first trimester but I’m really hopeful it’s going to stop soon. I’m just worried about never having a sitter when I desperately need one and having a baby being nothing more than frustrating because other people are selfish and don’t give a flying fuck. I am considering getting my tubes tied because I don’t want to risk going through this later on and then worrying who would watch my first child when I go into labor with my second. I know my friends say that things could be totally different the second time around but after going through 1 pregnancy completely by myself, I do not plan to have any more.

I’m excited to have my own little person to raise. I’m excited to see what kind of child it will be and if it will have a personality more like me or my like it’s Dad. I’m nervous about coming home from the hospital with my baby and having no one here to help and being exhausted and overwhelmed as fuck. I worry about miscarrying because sometimes I get really stressed out and terrified. I tend to get really sad and upset when I think about having all of this responsibility all on my shoulders and if something happened to me, who would take care of my child?! I constantly think about this stuff. I really hope that people will come around when I’m further along or after the baby gets here.

It’s been over a week since Eric and I have had contact and I honestly wish more than anything that we could at least talk over Facebook but I can’t handle his argumentative bullshit. All he wants to do is fucking fight and argue and I don’t have the time or energy to allow it. He always talked about wanting a child but now, he’s not there for me at all and is in another state so I can’t even expect him to attend baby appointments. He hasn’t offered to help pay for anything and anytime I’d bring it up, he’d just change the subject or start being really mean about an unrelated topic.

I talked to the child support office yesterday about the paternity affidavit and filling out child support papers. I think I’m going to wait until baby is born to fill out the papers because I feel like if I send him anything now, it’s just going to be more fighting and arguing because baby isn’t going to have his last name. That is going to make him enraged and I don’t have that intent but WE ARE NOT MARRIED and I don’t want to have a different last name then my child. Whether he’s on the BC or not, I don’t have to give baby his last name. I also don’t want to send him the paternity affidavit with my portion filled out because I don’t want him having my social security number or address and I’m gonna have to call and ask if he can fill out his portion and then mail it to them and have them mail it to me. Then we’ve established paternity and he won’t have to sign anything else or even be there when the baby is born.

As far as him being there when the baby is born, I plan to unblock him about a week before I’m due and see if he contacts me. If he does, and is STILL BEING MEAN, I won’t answer but will message when I’m on the way to the hospital. If he’s there, he’s there. It’s still 7 months away and anything is possible so he could even be back here by then. I know he’s going to come unglued when he gets child support papers and my friend asked me if I think he’ll pay it or not. I don’t see him paying it to be a defiant fucking asshole but I see him paying it because he’s not going to want to deal with the fucking consequences if he don’t.

He claims he’s going to school to be a cop and he needs his Driver’s License for that so if he doesn’t pay his child support, they’ll take his license. There’s plenty of consequences for not paying child support and I’m not going to have any sympathy for him if he chooses to be stupid and not pay it. If he would have treated me better I’d probably work something out with him where I’d give him back half of what he paid me every month or something but because all he’s done is threaten me and create drama, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what happens to him. I don’t feel like I’m a woman scorned but he’s made his fucking bed.

Another thing is I don’t plan to keep his child away from him but if he’s not living here, we will have to arrange a day and time for him to see his kid and I will not provide transportation for this meaning he will have to find a ride to and from my house to see his child. I know that he’s not saving up to help pay for baby stuff or getting himself a car so that’s going to be on him. It’s not my job to make sure he’s a normal fucking person so if he misses out on seeing his kid, than that’s going to be on him. It’s not even my job to make sure he sees his kid but I will make it possible so it’ll be up to him to figure out how to do it.

My back is fucking killing me so I’m going to lay down now.