I hate people. in Since OD is shutting down....

So it’s been a pretty decent week, except the past couple of days dealing with people won’t do know how to think before they speak. I was at work Friday night and I was talking to this 17 year old girl who I usually think is pretty cool but I told her I realized that I wouldn’t be able to drink on my birthday this year and she said something about me terminating my pregnancy so I could! Um, no probably fucking not?! I don’t even know what in the actual fuck is wrong with people but I finally said something about it last night to a manager after someone else pissed me off and she tries to just remain neutral by saying she was just kidding and she does understand why I would be upset about it.

Then yesterday morning my work Gramma came to get stuff and I told her I was pregnant because obviously no one did and she was like, “who’s the sperm do-I mean the father” and I had to hold back. I let her know I’ve had a boyfriend on and off for a couple of years and we didn’t plan nor prevent this. I was completely taken aback and the next time someone says something stupid about me terminating my pregnancy or anything about my child’s Dad, they are going to see me lose my shit. Just because I don’t discuss my personal life at work or post anything too personal on Facebook doesn’t mean people need to make snap judgments on my private life.

I’m probably going to start telling people not to worry about it because it’s my child and essentially my responsibility!!! I honestly don’t give a fuck what people think because this isn’t changing them physically, emotionally, or mentally and it’s not their lives that are preparing for such a big change, it’s mine. I have still continued to let so much go because I know once I flip shit, it’s going to be bad and then it’s going to be super tense but I can’t continue allowing people to say such stupid things. Gramma did text me today asking when she could plan my baby shower and I did think that was super nice because I don’t know who else would actually do that for me!!

I was having a panic attack for a couple of days this week because I’m stressed about daycare. I really don’t want to have strangers looking after my child and most of these places want about $300 for a deposit to hold your spot and I don’t feel comfortable with that just because it’s so much money and there’s no guarantee I would even feel okay leaving my child with someone regardless of what they charge. No amount of money promises the best care and most of these people are just in it for the money.

Literally I was completely freaking out so I finally messaged Eric’s Mom and asked her if they would be interested in babysitting while I work before I line up a sitter. She was super supportive and said that she wishes she could take her grandbaby and keep it with her forever! I never felt better. I told her when and where my dr appointment is and I really do hope that she comes because I’d love to see what kind of person she is and hope she’s going to be able to stay neutral with things. I’m definitely nervous about meeting her but I’m really hoping we hit it off and she ends up being a big part of my child’s life.

I messaged Eric today. He said he missed me and apologized for everything he’s put me through. Within an hour he went right back to calling me names and doubting paternity so needless to say, we are never going to progress. I unblocked him simply because I don’t want to completely shut him out but I’ve done more than enough to try and get along with him and things are still not working. He’s just a really angry, hateful person and there’s nothing I can do.

Seriously, my priorities involve having a healthy baby, hoping Eric’s family steps up and helps me out with babysitting so I can work, and filing for child support so my child will have health insurance. Nothing else matters. I know I can do this and I will. I knew the risks of having unprotected sex and I’m now stepping up and preparing to be the best parent I can be. Eric doesn’t have to help but he can also live with knowing he has a child that he chooses to not be there for. I refuse to sit around being angry because my family and him aren’t there for me because it’s fruitless and counterproductive.

It’s been a good day off. I’ve just hung out at home but I got my cable back on Friday and it’s been nice to just watch tv. There’s some issues with channels not working but I’ll call tomorrow and tell them. I’m just happy that I can actually enjoy being at home again.

Been thinking about the old roommate a lot lately. I’d love to reach out to him but I don’t because he’s made it clear he just wants to be left alone so that’s what I do. I miss him so much it hurts my soul and it hurts more to know that even if I did try and text him, he’d either blow me off or be too busy to come over. Same shit, different day type of thing.

I really wish Eric could just be a normal, supportive person. I honestly love the hell out of him when he’s being sweet and talks about wanting to get married but then reality sets back in when he starts being mean for no reason again. I’m glad that he’s gone and hopefully he stays gone because I just can’t deal with the drama he brings to the fucking table. I get that other chicks have gotten pregnant and the kids turned out to not be his but that doesn’t mean he needs to punish me for what’s happened in the past.

Anyways, my Mom doesn’t have a job anymore but I’m sure I won’t hear from her any more now than I did when she was working. My family just doesn’t know how to be supportive and care about other people whatsoever. It’s bullshit because my bed is STILL sitting on the floor because I can’t find anyone to come over and put the frame together. I’ve learned to deal with it but damn, it’s old!!

I’ve managed to get a pack and play, swing, shampoo, baby wash, Desitin, blankets and I’m buying a swing tomorrow. I have a list of stuff and I’m slowly but surely making a dent. I cross things off as I get them and add more when I think of them. It’s gonna be so much easier once I know what I’m having because right now I’m getting all gender neutral stuff.

Anyways, gonna watch some more tv and just enjoy my day.