well fuk. i got scammed. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so this isn’t something i’ve talked about cause well it seems rather a personal thing. also i’m kindof embarassed about it.
So about a yr. to a yr. and a half ago I had this appt to get pictures taken of my teeth w/ this xray wand thing. yeah that’s what i was talking about in that entry where i mentioned the appt i had for the ortho thingy. well what was going to happen was. they were going to make a mold of my teeth for this retainer mouth gaurd thing. it’s called Bliznet except only.it’s not a thing and i don’t know that it ever was. like it doesn’t exist. yeah over the holidays I asked my mom about it and she told me something like that. and so. at the time my sister was dating a lawyer. and they’re like legally allowed to look up info on stuff like this. and he looked it up and found out that. yeah not a thing. but the guy who was going to make it was going to have people send money to him..........so. then i’m guessing he used the money for something else that part wasn’t explained. [btw i’ll ask my psych about this so].
so anyway. The bliznet thing. well the way it was going to work was by the person grinding their teeth. and then it would clean them. and before i knew that it wasn’t a thing i’m like ‘yeah but that’s me taking the easy way out’. see it’s not really the actual physical act of brushing my teeth.which people don’t seem to get. it’s the depression. or that i don’t want to. or depending on what it is untill something gets serious enough and my back’s up against the fukin wall. i won’t do a whole lot about something. like if i was a druggie. [which btw i’m not and never have been]. and someone were to tell me ‘well if you don’t stop you’ll..............you might not be here’. um well. i have depression so that doesn’t have much impact on me. like i’m not afraid of dying. [er obviously]. yeah meds would help. but somehow the thought of someone else having them and giving them to me to take as though i’m fukin 2. is somehow worse then having depression. like i’d almost rather in a way have depression then be treated like i’m 2. doing something that’s bad for me is incentive for me to do it. The other way doesn’t work. however that said i’ve never shot up. there’s the whole legality of it and the money. yeah turns out habits are expensive. so ok. the thing i said about severity that.doesn’t apply. but also that’s a some day thing. like a vague sense of at some point in time in the future. like ‘yeah we’ll go to the store’. yes right. but to me that means ‘some day’. not like ‘ok sometime next wk. we’ll go’. like w/ the example i gave of being a druggie. like yeah that won’t happen right away. so i pretty much ignore it. also again i have depression. of course i don’t want to be here. that’s really the only reason for me to drink cow’s milk. i don’t like it and it’s weird but if ladies have enough of it it’s...........it’s not good. for them. right exactly. well that’s kindof the point. and i can’t tell my psych. this or else she probably would tell someone.
my dental hygenist doesn’t seem to understand. but they’re not there to understand the psychological reasons why someone doesn’t do something. no they’re there to clean your teeth. not to spend an extra hr discussing the physical and the psychological. or at least idon’t want them to be. but maybe they’re really not there to do that. i’ve certainly never heard of that. They keep telling me to do the same thing 3x each visit. when really they’re just wasting their time. telling me something once probably won’t get me to do it. we just won’t be wasting each other’s time. and even if i had a hygenist who did understand. they might still keep telling me so that wouldn’t change that. i wish they’d quit doin that 3x during the course of an hr. it’s like if i smoked and people kept telling me not to. yes i know. what else ya got turn that record over. my psych once told me she’s only willing to work as hard as i am which i wasn’t expecting. and thank god she is. cause people not doing that clearly doesn’t work.
ok so i veered OT there a bit. um so the bliznet thing. even if it were an actual thing. and i had it it doesn’t mean i’d use it. cause again it’s more the psychological then the physical. if i were pregnant. and somethng was happening to the baby cause like.i don’t drink milk or something. or i mean it wasn’t getting the right nutrients cause i wasn’t gettng enough. [yeah this is another reason i don’t want kids. cause even being pregnant seems like just such a big responsibility. and i don’t think i could handle that]. and they needed to get the baby out of me which means uh well surgery. and then people would know. well that’s what’ll give me incentive. if i was a druggie and my psych knew [which doesn’t make sese cause this is exxactly why i wouldn’t tell her. this is why we’ve never talked about the rape. peoople can’t know not if they’re going to tell] and she’s like ‘ok well i’m going to have to tell someone’. see that’s what’ll give me incentive. but the difference between her and my hygenist.is my psych will always tell me when she’s going to tell.and my hygenist won’t. no cause she told my mom something which yes they do have a right to do but she didn’t tell me she was going to tell mymom. i don’t care why she diid it and this isn’t about why. i don’t like surprises. i don’t think they have a right to do that w/o first telling me. this is why i don’t talk to clint anymore.
so yeah. the bliznet thing. and depression. and people not understanding.