Wow. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday was the first day in weeks I actually felt like I was going to get through the day without a nap or be tired early in my night. I threw a bunch of stuff away to make more room for baby stuff and threw away a bunch of old, worn out clothes. I messaged my brother yet again asking if he could come put my bed frame together because my bed is on the floor which makes it super hard to get up and down because my damn hips hurt so bad these days. He of course reads it but doesn’t respond. He’s blown me off the past few times I’ve messaged him about different things and I finally got pissed. I told him that it’s really nice I can pay for daycare, give him a laptop, buy his daughter hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, take her every weekend for almost 2 years and he blows me off?! I also mentioned something about them saying they didn’t want me seeing their kid because they were afraid I’d be mean to her and how I felt that was nothing more than a cop out because they’re stupid and childish!

Well I get a message from his bitch girlfriend just a few minutes after I sent that to her saying that it’s her job as a parent to protect her child from danger and I’m a danger. I’m not to ask to see her anymore because the answer will always be no. I go to respond but low and behold, she made sure I couldn’t!! That’s how this bitch has always been!! So, I call my Mom and let her know that from now on, we need to keep our conversations between us that I don’t want to hear about my brother and I don’t want him hearing about me. I truly don’t want anything more to do with him or his girlfriend.

Telling me that I’m a danger to a child is similar to saying I’m a predator. I don’t take this lightly and I don’t see myself getting over it too quickly. It’s also a low blow and hits me in my heart considering I’m pregnant. If I can’t even see my own niece, what kind of monster am I being made out to be?!?! I just don’t appreciate any of this and I’ve made sure to block them and don’t plan to EVER try to see a their daughter again. I’ve tried for 2 months to bridge the gap and make this work for everyone with no luck. There’s no resolving this issue and I just hope that they don’t try and message me again. I’ve blocked my brother and his girlfriend blocked me so hopefully things will just stay where they are.

I know that I haven’t always done or said the right thing but being told I’m a danger to a child really fucked me up. As much as I want friends and shit, I just think I need to stick to myself and just focus on my job and buying stuff for my baby. Everywhere I turn, someone has something negative to say to me or about me so I’m starting to wonder if I’m really this monster I’m made out to be. All I’ve ever done is allow myself to be used and walked on and then when I finally put my foot down, I’m treated like some kind of outsider. I’m over it. It’s time for me to just accept what I can’t change and start thinking about what I really want!!

My friend still wants me to come for a week but I don’t know when or how I’m going to be able to make that happen because I don’t have anyone to take care of my cats while I’m away and I always have some kind of appointment coming up. My next one is counseling, then baby appointment and then my cleaning. Like it just doesn’t stop and they are all too spread out. I’m honestly going to try to go in February because next month has too many things lined up already. I know I need out of here for awhile so I’m going to do my best to make it happen.

She told me yesterday that if she had to deal with what I have, she just didn’t know what she would do. Said she could only imagine what it’s like for me. Well it doesn’t feel good and I cried several times yesterday but just because people have a negative opinion of me doesn’t mean that I need to let it affect me or my day. I have enough to bring me down and enough to worry about that I don’t need to worry about some little bitch that just wants to create drama over stupid shit that seriously doesn’t even matter anymore.

I’m going to lay down for awhile.