Fuck this place. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so last night we had our Christmas party. There was 2 girls that were to text me so we could meet up and walk in together (I didn’t want to deal with awkward like last year) that didn’t get ahold of me until the party had been going on for almost an hour. I came home, ate some food, talked to a friend on the phone and was super upset that I got ditched. They claimed it was because I changed my number and they’d been texting the wrong one. At this point, I didn’t even care anymore. They wanted me to come and I said I would and then as I was halfway there, I went to my friends house instead. It was late and honestly, I was just too fucking tired to be around a bunch of people.

I hung out at my friends house and have realized that there are people I can reach out to so that’s what I’m going to start doing. I just can’t do this bullshit where I sit and stare at these same 4 walls, go to work, and come home to stare at them some more. I’m just getting more and more depressed by the day and plan to maybe even think about going to church or something. I am a social person and need to interact with other people outside of work, just as much as in.

I’ve realized that the reason I’m so stressed and overwhelmed is because I don’t have everything figured out yet. I think a lot of my stress would go away once I start buying the bulk of what I need for my child and get further along. My friend says that she just wants me to enjoy this but right now, I can’t because I’m super scared and just constantly trying to figure it all out. I’m really glad that I have a job and I make cash every night because it’s so much easier.

I got my light bill and it’s 3 times more than it was last month. I’m upset because I wasn’t expecting that and I’m so tired of having things caught up and then the next bill is always WAY more so I feel like I’m never getting anywhere. I really wish I had help to pay bills but I don’t. I’d love to find another roommate but I know better than to try that nightmare again. Life is nothing more than a race against time and money. It’s so frustrating!!!

I’m hoping that Eric will do some serious thinking in the next few months. I just want him to let everything soak in and give him the chance to miss me because then maybe once we talk again, he may have a better attitude. He needs to get it through his thick head that I don’t have to be in contact with him and I don’t have to take his shit. He has NO FUCKING IDEA what it’s like in my head all day long. It’s not him having to worry about finding a good babysitter/daycare person, worry about being a good parent, figuring out how to pay for everything and be able to afford baby stuff, and wondering who (if anyone) is going to make any effort to help me out.

The anxiety never stops, not even for a second. Having a baby is a huge deal because I know my whole life is going to change. I won’t have my freedom anymore but even when I did, I never really did much anyway. Ugh, there’s just so much to think about and so many decisions to be made and no one to help me make them.

Anyways, I need to lay down because my back is killing me.