Living in the Almost in QUOTIDIEN

All things considered- the Thanksgiving car accident wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The car is drivable, and the aesthetic is acceptable for now. I’m over the plethora of health problems that cropped up about 3 weeks ago. The diverticulitis is all but healed, I guess, since I can now poop without hanging from a trapeze, so to speak. (TMI)

I’m doing well at work, and am getting all the overtime I want which should make recouping my recent financial losses easier. After tomorrow, I’ll have put in 17 hours extra for this pay period.

Anne-Marie and her friends were here last night, and the tree went up after moving furniture around, while I sipped hot chocolate with marshmallows, and directed the dance with a minimal amount of hands on involvement of my own.

I should be ecstatic. This should be joyful! I want it to be. Look at how blessed I am!!

This morning, though, I woke up after 10 hours of sleep, rolled over, scrolled through last night’s pictures, and just burst into tears.

The tree…the lights…the music…this morning, they all have the feel of a huge coverup. What was intended, in my heart of hearts, was to soften the edges of pain the way snow softens the look and feel of dead grass, and faded leaves. The hope was that the Christmas routine would lift spirits., and last night, it did. But this morning finds me largely sad, and aching in all of my emotional joints. And betrayed. What lifted me yesterday is now a twinkling reminder of the losses - my husband and my son.

When my oldest son Michael was just a little guy, and I was doing daycare, I would take the kids to the local McDonald’s play land. My son played hard, made friends easily, and was competitive when it came to how fast he could run the whole trajectory. His face would glow, and his hair clung damp and curly against his forehead. He smelled of sun kissed skin and little boy sweat. I loved it. We easily spent two hours every time we went. When it came time to leave, he would invariably cry and say, ‘but Mom - I was ALMOST having fun’! Oooh, how that frustrates me. There just never seemed to be enough positive to overcome the negative. But I get it now. I know how it feels to almost touch happiness before the ‘endings’ in my life snatch it away.

Today, as I drink my coffee, Christmas tree in my periphery all tall and sparkling…I am willing the ‘Magic of Christmas’ to do its thing, and bring me comfort. I am begging God....to cover the graves deep and fast because I can’t take too much more in this Land of Almost.