Bored. in Since OD is shutting down....

Since I haven’t had cable for a couple of months now, I’m stuck watching movies or old episodes of Roseanne that I have on DVD. There’s a few things I watch on Netflix and Huluplus but I’m just getting bored with not having enough variety. I sent my friend a money order to get a loaded Firestick but she never received it so I had to mail the money order receipt in and it can take up to 30 days to get a refund and they’ll take $15 for a processing fee so I’m getting screwed on that, on top of having to wait several weeks. My friend said that she would just go ahead and get it for me and for me to just send her whatever they refund me but she said tonight she just hasn’t done it yet. I felt like saying, yeah because it’s not you being stuck watching the same shit over and over!!! I get that it’s not her responsibility but I really fucking hate when people tell me that they are going to do something and then they don’t!

My days off have been good though. I didn’t really do much yesterday except get food and hang out at home. Today I had to go to housing, get a gift for my Secret Santa thing at work, and Walmart for some groceries. The lady from the job thing called and said as long as I get them a wage verification from my boss, I’ll probably make enough to be exempt from the program. I gave her my boss’s email address so she can just send it to her directly. I know I make a little more than the limit so I’m not entirely worried but it makes me question what’s going to happen when I get further along and can’t work even the amount I’m working now?!

I’m still super lonely but I’ve gotten better at adjusting to it. I just take it in stride because I’ve always been in this situation and you can’t MAKE people care about you. My Christmas plans have even fallen through so I’ll probably just sit here by myself with my cats like I do anyways.

My Mom called yesterday and mentioned my brother. I told her that I asked about seeing his kid for Christmas and didn’t get a response. I told her I may move away to be closer to my friend and she was of course against it. I let her know that she makes no effort, along with everyone else I’m related to so I don’t see the point in staying here. I think they want me to stay because maybe someday they’ll actually start coming around but it’s been this same shit for 11 years now so the chances of them making a real effort to be in my life are pretty slim and nil.

I’m still super tired and sore ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Everyone says it will get better once I reach my second trimester and I really hope they’re right because if I have to go another 7 months being in pain, exhausted, no energy, and no motivation, I am going to lose my damn mind. I have 3 weeks until my second trimester starts and I couldn’t be happier. I guess the last trimester is just as bad as the first because it’s your body just wanting to sleep all the time to prepare for having a newborn.

It’s understandable that I’m tired due to stopping Adderall, stop smoking, stop blood pressure and arthritis medications but I can’t handle being super tired all the time. I just do what I can to get as much sleep as possible but it’s like I seriously can’t wait to get home at night to lay down, even when I only work just a few hours.

My friend kinda pissed me off today. She says she’s glad that I’m having a kid so I won’t be worried about guys. I said I didn’t think I ever worried about guys, I worried about my job for the past 3 years. EVERYTHING in my life took a backseat to my job. I also got annoyed with her the other day about Medicaid and her saying that I ‘need’ it. Well yeah, I do because I don’t make a lot of money and can only work part time right now because I’m pregnant and miserable. Sometimes I just don’t feel like ANYONE around me has any compassion whatsoever.

Once I have my kid, I want to spend my maternity leave looking for a better job. I’ve been there for 3+ years and I’m still making minimum wage and they don’t pay us more because of tips. We don’t get health coverage, paid time off, or sick leave. It’s just a sad, sorry place and I want out. I’m especially pissed about that 2-faced, backstabbing manager telling the other manager what I said to her in confidence. I get that there’s drama no matter what you work but I just want to get the fuck away!! We have our Christmas party tomorrow night and I’m hoping to slip out of work before anyone notices because I don’t want to go. I don’t like any of my co-workers and don’t really want to frequent with them unless I’m getting paid for it.

But yeah, I’m going to keep my eyes and ears open for better paying jobs because I know I want better for myself, along with my kid. I don’t even know if I plan to stay here or move away. People have already tried to make me feel that once I have my kid, I’m just pretty much stuck and I refuse to let anyone make me feel that way. You can still do what you need to do whether you have kids or not. Most of them are people that don’t have kids so they just assume your trapped if you have any and that’s definitely not the case and if it was, no one would have children.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down now because my back is fucking killing me.