I'm going to be okay. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking to my friend to realize that whether anyone makes any effort with me and my pregnancy, I’m going to be just fine. I’ve allowed myself to be super upset and down over other people’s actions (or lack thereof) and I can’t do it anymore because that’s back to me being upset over shit I can’t control. I have enough to worry about and honestly, other people shouldn’t even be a concern right now. I can be my own support system and my own best friend.

Yesterday I had a moment of weakness and vulnerability so I was trying to talk Eric into coming back. He’s not completely for it and not completely against it but said if he came back he wouldn’t be able to stay and asked if I would help him get back. It just seems like nothing more than a game to him. I honestly don’t think he has any intention on coming back, but merely wants me to beg him and I haven’t done that and don’t plan to. I’d like it if he came back to help me get some stuff moved around in the baby’s room and go with to dr appointments but if he just wants to see how far he can push emotionally, than he can just stay right where he’s at.

It does bother me quite a bit that my parents and my brother aren’t more pro-baby but there’s nothing I can do about that. My Mom saying because she won’t have a job she’ll come with to baby appointments makes me angry because that’s basically saying she’s just doing it because she doesn’t have anything else to do. My next one is in a month and if she thinks I’m going to give her gas money, she’s got another thing coming. I’m done paying my own mother to come around. After giving her gas money to come over the other day made me so furious and made me realize that she’s just going to use me needing her to her advantage.

I believe it’s probably better for me to just do this shit on my own. I don’t need anyone but it would be nice to have some support. I just wish everyone understood that this shit is going to happen with or without them. I’d rather have help, even if it’s just someone to talk to on the phone but I’m not going to waste any more energy reaching out to anyone. My brother and his girlfriend are still not making any effort and that’s okay but I’m probably not going to make sure they know when I’m on my way to have my kid either. They aren’t going to just pick and choose when they come around. If they can’t be there for me during my pregnancy, than what the fuck makes them think they’ll be there when my kids born??

So last night when I got off work, I went over and visited my friend that’s also pregnant. She’s 28 weeks and is in such a better situation than I am. She only has to work very part time because her boyfriend works 2 jobs, his grandma gave them a house, and his Mom is going to take time off work when she has her baby so that she can be there to help. I did get slightly jealous because I don’t have any of that. I am grateful that I am on housing so that even if I chose not to work, I still have my place too.

Eric told me last night to go visit his Mother because she doesn’t have a phone right now and I don’t feel comfortable doing that because I don’t know her. I messaged his brother and he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk so I left it alone. I think I need to take a step back and quit trying to reach out to anyone. I need to probably just worry about myself and being healthy and if people make the effort to let them in but not make the first move anymore.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down for awhile because my back hurts.