...on Feelings & Friends in meh...

I want to rage but I can’t.
I need an outlet.

I was going to break this up, but I may as well get it all out now.

My friendship with RJ is starting to annoy me.
I stay in the house because I don’t want to be a burden on people to come pick me up. I know that is a thing when it comes to hanging out with me. I feel more like shit about it because I’m not in a position to rectify the situation. I see how she treats some people and it’s purely from an egotistical perspective. Like the karaoke dude. She talks to me like she throws him a bone every time they speak. Like he should be glad. He is a handful sometimes. He lacks socially, but he’s a good person. She talks like he’s super needy. I told her he is over her and doesn’t want to get to know her in a “special way” anymore. So she revealed something to him that she has yet to speak with me about. She’s even had lunch with him, but when she mentions it to me, “I hung out with your boy the other day.” And then continued to make it seem like she’s thrown him a bone. That’s rude. And who is she to think that she has that type of power over someone?

She’s also been going out lately mainly due to work issues. I will admit, my feelings were bothered a little, but when I think about it seriously, I’m always broke and I need a ride. If it were me dealing with me, I wouldn’t care because that’s what I do with my “friends” but my friends are all “self sufficient” and selfish. Why do I have these people in my life? I need to start re-evaluating. AGAIN. Anyway, she’s been going out, my feelings are hurt but not really. So this being said, I’m usually being asked but not lately. Again hurt, not hurt. But when I start to make moves. When I start to do things with other people, without her, then I get called to carpet, “How you making plans?” I just want to be self sufficient. I’m sick of other people.

She also was rather judgy of me the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Grand kiddo was gone for the weekend. So was supposed to hang with his friends and they ditched him. I felt bad. We’d been in the house like all weekend and were making plans to play video games and RJ called. Got me out of the house. I didn’t know it would be more than she and I so I wanted to boy to come. She said there would be grown folks here. So while he understood he was down. I was worried about him. I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have anyone and people let you down. She says to me, “You better let that boy be a man.” I really feel sorry for people who have had upbringings where they continue on the coldness they were shown. My mother wasn’t the most nurturing person and I love her to pieces, but that didn’t stop me from being affectionate and putting love into as much action as I could for my kids. I know there are growing pains he would need to deal with and handle, but after pretty much a life full of feeling defeated, I don’t like that.

I get sick. No one checks on me for real. One friend had jokes about being naked on Broadway. I was not really amused. I’m expected to just go on and live life. The reason I got sick in the first place was because I was being lazy and needy and it was cold outside. I needed to get a money order for rent and go to the store to pick up something for dinner. Then the bus took forever to come back my way and I was in the cold for an hour keeping my grandkid (who I didn’t want to take with me) warm. So as my heat helped him, I did nothing for me. Walking up a steep hill and into another store. My throat was hurting. I did all the home remedies and it transferred from my throat to my chest. And it seems that every time I come down with something, my lungs get hit. Heavy chest, I can’t breathe. I’m drinking tea, hot water/apple cider vinegar/cayenne/honey/lemon mix. Everything I eat is spicy and I’ve almost been through a bottle of sriracha. This cough is horrible. Yesterday, Scott brought me two bottles of cranberry juice because I’m sick of water right now. He also brought some meds. Basically sick of water because my stomach is practically empty due to not a lot of food in the house and drinking water when you’re hungry is annoying. So he brought the juice I asked for. Karaoke friend brought pizza. I was joking since he was going to either the pizza joint or burger joint by my house but he offered it up and I took him up on it. I was wondering what I would feed the kids. That’s what I would feed the kids. I did what I had to. He came over and sat down and ate I had two slices. Baby had two. Gave son the rest.

This was just Sunday. Saturday was a beast I would like to not have happened at all.

Will write on that shortly…