Super emotional. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had a very busy day. I’ve been up since 7am and it’s my day off. I talked to my friend, took a shower, made some phone calls, wrote a check for my electric bill and then saw my buddy in the hospital. It was a very humbling experience. He’s a diabetic too and has most of his leg amputated on his left side and has an infected foot on the right side. It’s just so bad and I feel awful for him. I held back tears for the majority of our visit.

When I left the hospital, I didn’t want to come home and be by myself so I spent a few minutes trying to find my Mom for her lunch break. I followed her to someone’s house where she bought a pair of boots and then met me for lunch. She doesn’t offer to help pay for it so once again, I paid for her meal. I told her that this is why I stick to myself. I was so upset that I could barely eat and let her know I wouldn’t be coming for Christmas because of their smoking in the fucking house. She didn’t see to upset but I’m upset because I feel bad for my little brother.

I came home for awhile and then had to take my old manager to his appointment. I came home and just got super emotional out of nowhere. I know it’s pregnancy hormones but also from holding everything in for so long. I unblocked Eric and we talked on the phone for awhile. His phone died and I told him I couldn’t stop crying because he wasn’t here. He said he was leaving before he knew he was going to be a Dad. I’m angry that he’s gone and won’t be back to live here but I understand he wants a degree to be able to make more money too.

I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I have zero support here and the only reason I stay is because it’s familiar and because of my job. I worry about going somewhere new and hating it. Even if I want to go, I can’t make it happen by myself. I have a whole house full of furniture and 3 fucking cars, not to mention my fish and cats. Seriously, I can’t fucking do EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!!!! I don’t know if I’m angry because if I want anything to happen I have to do it with no help or because if I want help, I have to pay my family for it!!

My social anxiety is my biggest set back. I’m scared to try a new job because of it. I know I need to believe in myself more but I just don’t know how. I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole and I’m running out of air.

I messaged my brother and even he wouldn’t come over. I told him I felt really sad and was crying but he was apparently busy. Again, I have no support here at all and I’m sick of it. I don’t have anyone that cares for me. I’m just really frustrated and sad. I know this shit is never going to change and I can’t stay here wishing or waiting for it too.

The way I feel right now is indescribable. I’m just so down and angry. I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING PERSON TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME!!!