'Twas the Week Before Christmas... in Understanding the Unthinkable

…when all through the house, the a/c was running…‘cause we live in the south! :) (Gotcha!)

Christmas preparations are done. I have some pre-holiday cooking each day for the Christmas meal, but nothing that will take more than an hour. We’ve all agreed to talk about gift exchange this year on Christmas Day. We’re all feeling empty, as I’ve said before, and gifts no longer seem as important. Are we a bunch of Scrooges? Altruistic? Self-righteous? We don’t know. All we know is that it’s no longer giving us pleasure. No grandkids so that’s not an option to us and we all feel that we work so much in charity throughout the year, we want to take Christmas off and let those who only come out once a year do it. We can’t do a family trip since one works in retail and has to work the day before and the day after. My eldest son works with suicidal patients and Christmas is a busy time for that. I’ll let you know what we come up with!

My husband and I have had a hard time this year with Nick’s absence.

We sent Nick’s stocking to our niece’s son (also named Nick), and we’re both happy with that, but it hit my husband hard to see the empty space it left so we took all the stockings down. She sent a picture:

Then my husband went to Jacksonville for two weeks and the place he stayed at had HBO and he watched “My Big, Fat Greek Wedding”. He said one scene, where two brothers who hadn’t seen each other in a long time it him hard because he said they hugged the way he and his deceased brother hugged.

Then, last night he dreamed of Nick. Just a snippet: he was at church, going down a food line filling his plate when some kid high on drugs came up and was trying to say something but my husband couldn’t figure out what and he said suddenly Nick was there, saying the kid was asking for a job and then, to protect my husband, Nick looked at the boy and said they didn’t have any openings and to go away. He said he woke up and just laid in bed and cried (I told him next time to wake me up and he said it was 4 am. I said I didn’t care, we need to turn to each other every single time) and kept feeling like he should have reached out and grabbed him.

I know how he felt because I’ve dreamed of Nick twice now and it’s a bittersweet experience: you’re so happy to see him again, but then you remember it was a dream and the hurt hits you hard again. Anyway, my husband tells me all this as we’re driving to church and we’re both bawling like babies, but I’m glad he told me. We don’t want our marriage to fall apart under our grief, but it’s easy to do. A child’s death can either bring a couple closer together or it can tear them apart.

So we sat in the church parking lot, talking about Nick and also that we don’t want to wound our other two sons. We are, after all, still a family, albeit one with a giant hole in it. We talked about how the boys are trying hard, too. They’ve been very supportive. So we counted our blessings and then we swallowed hard and decided to go in and pretend to be happy and it turned out okay. I brought in a few cookies and the men jumped on them and I sat with the ladies (usually, we just all sit together, but last night we ended up at separate tables, so I looked over at the guys and said it was a good thing they weren’t sitting here at the cool table) and we joked and we felt good despite our missing Nick.

I don’t know if we’re doing it right or not. We’re just doing it the only way we know how.

The non-profit is going well for a 9 month old start up: 42 clients served. I finally completed all requirements just to qualify for orientation to the Giving Challenge, which matches donations, so I hope to do a major pump up of funds next year! The job keeps me busy, but I’m hoping that once the program is running well, I can turn my attention to another age group.

Next weekend’s plans are made. We’ll attend one Christmas Eve service and serve at the following service (my husband will drive the trolley and I’ll be handing out the candles), come home to a dinner of lobster macaroni and cheese and broccoli, and spend a quiet evening together. I bought a beef tenderloin for Christmas dinner and will prepare a separate meal of turkey, gravy and stuffing for my one non-meat eater. The kids will bring appetizers and wine. I’m not sure if I want to serve asparagus or broccoli yet. We’ll definitely have acorn squash and mashed potatoes. Dessert is a great big platter of homemade cookies and gourmet ice cream, if we’re feeling it.

We’ll eat at two and my brother will be by anywhere between 4 and six, depending on when my crazy aunt lets him go (long story about why I don’t bother with her any more). Everyone goes home with leftovers and a small platter of cookies and I fall into bed!

Oh, almost forgot: the magazine articles brought me much praise and now that it’s published, I think I’ll do a post of a couple of them next. I’ve retained the rights to my work, so I have no problem posting the articles and the next issue is due out in a few weeks, so they are old stories.

So, I guess that’s it, kids. I feel rather unexciting, always the same old, same old, but then many of you say the same thing, so at least I’m not alone! :)