SORRY. :( in Baddies

That this will be another doozy of an entry and right after the last one, but I think this is bigger.

My Wife and I have been together 17 years but this is the first time I am actually scared. Not scared we will divorce, per say, but scared that she won’t be the same after this.

A couple days ago, we got drunk, for lack of a better term, and I confessed that since the middle of 2011, my stepdad has been raping me, controlling me by my addiction, and psychologically as well as sexually abusing me. So yea… we have all been thrust, I will quote my Mom here, “Into a nightmare, the likes of which I never saw coming”. And while I technically cheated on my wife for years, it was by no means something I wanted to do. That man, when I was 17, (yes I realize it is a little old, but he knew what he was doing waiting. He used to make me and my first real girlfriend make out for him when we were younger than that. She was, at least. She was 15-16 ish.) Anyway, I realize, somewhat too late but when these things come out you can;t really help it, that this was extremely bad timing. My Mom is taking it OK and of course has endless questions. I am so very sorry for what I/he has done to her. I will never be sorry enough. And my wife, oh amy my wife. Laura, not Amy, Amy is Amy, Laura is my wife. You will have to excuse me, it takes a Xanax to function right now. I don;t know what else to say and I am getting tired. Please, I ask if you know me on FB that you be respectful!!! This is NOT going to be known by all parties of my family, not even by most. My Mom does have a plan in place and it involves getting proof and confronting him, a point I am very stressed over since it of course involves me putting myself in his literal grasp. Ugh, I gotta go. Imma take another xanax and go to bed with my gorgeous, totally understanding, awesome and hurt wife. Life SUCKS.

I hope you are all well and I love yall. I hope this entry is comprehendable, and that yall can understand what I mean. I am also going to take steps, it goes without saying, to end my addiction. On the 14th I will be asking my doctor for suboxone, (drug to help curb addiction and withdrawal) and start going to Narcotics Annonymous meetings, they meet here on Sunday. Yep, I have known that forever.

Well Im gonna go. I hope most of yall still like me and realize none of this was willingly and I was under the control of a very bad man. I wish that man was not married to my Mom. :( Love you all. <3

Steph

Last updated April 05, 2017