On Realistic D/s. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

The following was written for Fetlife. Viewer Discretion is advised.

I’ve been thinking about D/s relationships and the way the word “lifestyle” is used. For me, it conjures images of latex, rules, and an excess of etiquette. I always think, “I don’t know if I can handle that. It seems like too much.”

I think perhaps it’s because we use strong language due to the emotions involved, not the actions. I consider myself a sub, and in real-life a feminist. But in no way do I believe in any of that Women Superiority nonsense. Oh sure, it’s fun to postulate “all men should be caged and never orgasm again”, but really? That makes about as much sense as “all women are just their holes.” Yeah, no. Fantasize, but it’ll never happen.

I suppose it comes back to the sentiment “you can’t have it all.” Which I periodically accept to keep myself from going crazy. And sometimes hope for, because it’s nice to have things to hope for.

So I ask myself what I want out of a relationship, putting aside the sexual stuff. I want someone I can give myself to. Someone I can trust completely. And by “trust”, I mean the ability to tell everything. It’s extremely frustrating to have to hold back with the very person you want to share everything with. It would be as if there are no explicit “hard limits” simply because I know she’d never do anything to hurt me, and vice versa. I want someone I can close my eyes and fall back on completely.

But of course, I’m not some feeble stupid sub who can’t think for himself. I want a woman who admires me and respects my individuality. I’d do what I could to serve her because I WANT to, not because she’s broken me. I’m not a bratty sub. I’m a pleaser. I want approval. Being “broken” would mean disapproval, which alone would hurt me emotionally. If I misstep, I want compassion and understanding so I can do better.

And because I’m a pleaser, I might forget to tend to my own needs. As much as it’s important for me to communicate those needs, I’d need her to catch when I’m trying to do too much. To give me approval, and let me know it’s okay to rest, or to otherwise tend to me.

It really is two people taking care of each other. Because - gasp - they love each other.

Everything else that happens in the bedroom is wank fodder. I’ve found myself into kinks I never thought I would simply because they make my partner happy. And I trust I’m a tame enough person that any woman who loves me would indulge a few of my kinks. (And vice versa.) If you have that level of trust and communication, getting those sexual needs satisfied should become almost an afterthought (in theory). You’ll trust them not to judge you, and you’ll trust them not to push you beyond what you can handle.

But hey, what do I know? I’m a romantic at heart. I want to show a woman I love her so much that she won’t have to raise a crop to me to know she owns me completely.

(Note: I’m totally pro-wank fodder. Think all the dirty thoughts!)