Some light in this tunnel. in Since OD is shutting down....

I called today and was approved for Medicaid and food stamps. It makes me happy because now I can go to the dr and not worry about medical bills. I go to my first appointment on Monday and I’m honestly super excited. I feel so much better about things right now because once I get my food stamps, I plan to buy a bunch of meat and fruit and will be able to eat a lot better and do meal plans for myself.

It’s fucked up to say but I don’t plan to tell Eric because he turns everything into an argument and I am so over everyone and their negative energy. I want to enjoy my pregnancy and not be a ball of stress. He would probably turn it into me being a piece of shit when he’s already proven he’s not going to help financially and I can’t afford EVERYTHING out of my own pocket. I just don’t think he considered the big picture. He acts like anything you need for a child just falls out of the sky and you don’t have to pay for it. Even with help, I’m still responsible for buying diapers, clothes, crib, bath chair, etc. etc.

My plan for birth certificate and everything is to put him on because then it will be easier to file for child support. I don’t know how it is in other states, but here you have to so you can stay on Medicaid for your child. It will be up to him to pay it. The kid will legally have my last name and I’ll have full custody unless he wants to pay for a lawyer and go to court which I know he won’t because he doesn’t have the money. I fully intend to allow him to be a Dad, I would never take that from him but because he’s unstable, I will do what I have to for my child including making sure it’s always in a safe place. I am really hoping that in the next few months, he’ll secure a car and a place to live.

I plan to be as fair as possible in this situation. I do keep in mind that this his child too and he’s just as responsible for it as I am. It’s not my job to make it so he doesn’t have to take responsibility or make it as easy as possible for him. No one is out here making this any easier for me, in fact they’ve already displayed a lot of negativity and I’m already about to tell everyone to go fuck themselves!

My friend Heather really angered me last night and I don’t plan to talk to her anymore. For her to say that I just want him to pay child support and go away is not acceptable, especially when she’s told me that she won’t let her daughters Dad see her unless he sends her money which is the same fucking thing. I love how people can tell me how to be but they are doing the exact opposite. When I found out I was pregnant, maybe I did say something to that affect because Eric was being a fucking prick and because I felt it would be easier for HIM. Also, people need to keep in mind I just found out less than 2 weeks ago that I’m going to be a Mom, my hormones are running through me like a freight train and I’m scared. Everyone says things they don’t mean in the heat on the moment so I’d like a little bit of credit here.

I’m really glad for my job because they’ve been really awesome and understanding about all of this and I can’t wait until I can tell everyone. I plan to around Christmas time. I’m still dealing with heartburn and nausea but according to Google, it should subside soon. I honestly can’t wait until I start showing because it will just become even more real.

I need to take a quick shower and start getting ready for work. I’m still not making any headway with my brother or his girlfriend so I need to just let it be. I really wish I could have a family that was there for me and supportive but for now, I need to just worry about myself and let sleeping dogs lie.

Eric wants me to meet his Mom and I told him I will when I’m ready to. I am still adjusting to everything and don’t want to be rushed into stuff. I need a moment to just breathe and take one thing at a time. I just want to be excited and embrace this. He just comes off super bossy and that’s another reason I don’t want to. I do stuff on my own time because I am my own boss.

More later.