So Here Am I in meh...

So November 7th we laid my sister to rest.
So much stuff surrounding this day. My partners in crime came to pay their respects as did one other friend who interacted with and was even friends on Facebook with my sister.

I walked out a couple of times because it was too much too bear. Sobbing, crying, internally asking why her, why now? Prior to this Sissy’s mom had been driving the kids nuts.

After the service and they took the casket out, I cried harder. I really cried at the grave site. They put her casket into a vault and as they closed it up, I silently sobbed into the arms of a close family friend.

Back at granny’s house my one uncle said to me, “You lost it at the thing,” which was him referencing at the cemetery. I ignored him. I was only there waiting for Scott to pick us up and take us home. I was drained.

I was also hungry.

The repast was at the golf club where my other uncle works. People I didn’t know, that a lot of the family didn’t know, were hogging a lot of food. My aunt was fixing kids plates at my table, but only my military brother’s kids. That pissed me off. So when I got up there to fix grandkid’s plate, the chicken was gone and was then told they were out and there would be no more. Then the desserts were gone. I was livid. I was able to have salad for myself and my son didn’t mind roast beef, but there’s not much the kid eats. So someone made some chicken wings and fries and chicken strips. Chicken strips went fast, but I got the kid some fries at least. I was soooooo fucking mad. My cousin felt bad because the kid didn’t get anything to eat so she snagged some chicken wings and fries and boxed them up for us. I was thankful.

It was a long day. Later, the only thing I could think about was calling my sister so we could talk about how these hungry ass folks ate all the food and we didn’t get a chance to eat for real.

I’ve been dealing with business stuff. I talked to the credit card machine people. I need to get them the machine back. I’m wondering if my sister’s mom did anything with it or with bank statements because I’ve called her and told her that there is more paperwork needed than what she gave me. I need to get the debit card cancelled and get a new one, get the address changed and everything. I don’t trust her mother where money is concerned. That credit card machine cost like over a thousand dollars and once that is returned I can get that cost off the account. In the meantime I owe them $140 basically. I have to pay half on Friday and the other half the next time I get paid. I need to get groceries for my house. I’m all screwed up right now.

I could use like $10k. Nothing new though.

My niece and the mom brought over food trays (aka the equipment) and even gave me a crock pot and an immersion mixer. She had just bought some more muffin tins (what we cook the meatballs in).

One thing that has actually angered me is how some others are saying “we gotta keep the business going for her.” First of fucking all, there is no WE. It was me and her. It was US. When the REAL WE needed help (put up a crowd funding site) only one person NOT related to us gave us $25. When the REAL WE needed help and we sold sandwiched at the trivia night, hardly anyone bought any. When the REAL WE needed help and we had the pop up, the ones that are saying “we need to get it going” didn’t even show up. Now I’m not going to dissolve the business. Operation will be halted for the moment because I don’t have the funds to throw at it to keep it going right now nor do I have the time to commit to it.

It took me a minute to realize that this one lady my sister was thinking about using for accounting purposes ( a member of dad’s church) was trying to talk business at the service. I guess I didn’t give her a chance. I remember her saying, “Do you need anything?” and she was looking all in my face. This was after I left the sanctuary and broke down in the foyer. I was surrounded by people patting my back (because I was leaned over and sobbing and heaving) and when I lifted up and had tissue thrust in my face from all angles, she was there and she asked me that. That’s what she was talking about. I got a message from my cousin last week that says she wanted me to call her. I will when I’m ready to.

So my next call is to the bank/credit union. I’m sure we have an overdrawn account that I need to put money into and I just don’t have it.

Otherwise, I’m healing. There are just way too many things that I would call her for and I realize I can’t and it makes me weep.

I need to get drunk. I’ve been drinking, kind of, but not to the extent where I’ve just flopped into bed drunk. I need to get tore down. There were many family gatherings that I wasn’t aware of that took place the week after she passed away and I’m a little salty about that.

I spent Thanksgiving with my mom and then came home. Was there for a while alone when my son came home and the kiddo was gone for 3 days.

By the way, he turned 6 on Monday. We are celebrating on this Saturday. I want to buy him this Hot Wheels Battleforce 5 dvd set. His mother bought him one and he plays it over and over and over and I’m ready for some new episodes. lol

He’s growing, he’s changing. He doesn’t like me to ask about his day because his days are always good. Odd little monkey.

At any rate, karaoke buddy is determined to get me to go somewhere and sing with him. I was told that the corner bar will be under new management and just may open at the beginning of the year. Even still, I need money to drink.

That is pretty much what’s been up in my world since I last wrote. The usual trying to stay afloat, yet sinking further.

So…hey. :-)

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated December 01, 2016