I don't even know where to start. in Since OD is shutting down....

Eric and I finally hung out last night after his wishy/washy crap for the past few days. He bought me dinner at Perkins and we were getting along pretty well. We came home and watched a little bit of a movie and then laid down together. He was being very sweet, cuddly and overall amazing to say the least.

This morning I got up before him, talked on the phone with my friend on her commute to work, showered and was in the kitchen eating breakfast when he came out and said hello. We were getting along just fine and out of nowhere, he started saying I was ‘prissy’ because I had a sink full of cold water and I didn’t want to stick my hand in to let the stopper out and then started giving me shit about having a GED instead of a high school diploma. I immediately start feeling uncomfortable and on edge. He goes on to say that all I have to show for myself was a crappy apartment and that’s when I lost it. I had to again inform him that I own 3 cars, money in the bank, 5 credit cards, 2 years of college, pay all my own bills etc…I just couldn’t understand where the fuck any of this was coming from!!!

I finally was like, “let’s go” and he said no, that he would walk back to his Mom’s and he didn’t need me. Alright, fine. He left and then I had to get kitty litter, melatonin, and got lunch at Subway. I really didn’t think any of this bothered me until I got a raging headache (had it all night at work) and my right arm has started to hurt more and I know that it’s stress induced. I text my friend and told her all of this and she suggested he get a pysch eval because if his demeanor can change that fast with me, how could it be with a defenseless infant?!?!

I didn’t hear from him until later this evening and he said that I’m not suitable to be a Mother and I have 8 months to improve. He still thinks that we are going to be together and we most certainly aren’t. I am completely stable with my job, my apartment, and my finances so I’m not entirely sure where the fuck he comes up with the shit I won’t be a suitable mother. I told him this morning that he should be happy I’m as stable as I am because he isn’t.

Before the shit storm, I told him I have to buy baby stuff and y’all want to know what his response was?!?! “My family can help you” and I let him know they aren’t the father, he is. It’s not THEIR FUCKING JOB TO HELP WITH OUR CHILD!!! So based on that comment, I know that I’m on my own and that’s fine. I always knew that I would be and I won’t feel an ounce of guilt when I have to file for child support. I just don’t get how this guy ALWAYS wanted a child but doesn’t want ANY type of responsibility towards it?!?! I mean, is this fucking normal?!?!

So after he tells me I’m going to be shitty Mom, he wanted to hang out because he leaves tomorrow at noon. I was like absolutely not!!! I know that after tomorrow, we won’t see each other for at least 6 months and that’s probably what we both need. I can’t handle his abuse and I know that I am not going to allow my child to grow up watching Daddy be mean to Mommy. I will provide my kid with the best life possible and I know he/she will grow up in a single parent home, at least until I can find someone who’s able to talk to me like an actual human being.

I’m honestly glad he’s going to be gone because it’s stressful enough being pregnant that I don’t need someone adding extra. I deal with so much on a daily basis as it is and now health issues and not always feeling great, that I don’t need someone telling me that I’m some kind of piece of shit when they have absolutely nothing! He told me the other day that I’m going to be a typical white trash bitch living off welfare. Well, I did the child support calculator just out of curiosity, he’ll pay maybe $160/month if that due to me making more than him!! That’s hardly enough to life off of!!

I seriously never though I’d find myself in this boat and now that it’s upon me, sometimes it’s hard to believe. I never could have dreamed shit could be this fucked but I’m going to do the best I can for the sake of my child and just know that at the end of the day, things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know he’s fucked up but I won’t allow it to affect me as a Mom. I never thought I’d have the joy of becoming a parent and now, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s so crazy to think I’m growing a human. I will be responsible for another human life and I get to have say in how it’s raised, it’s diet, and helping it become a good person.

My dr’s office called today to ask about health/illnesses in both families and I answered the best I could. I plan to message Eric’s mother tomorrow and ask her about stuff. I don’t know how that’s going to be because he’s told me that he’s already talked a bunch of shit about me but I need to know this stuff for my kid’s sake. He still claims he has the cancer but I’ve never seen proof and he only talks about it when he’s feeling really down so I think it’s a cry for help and attention.

My appointment is on Monday and they let me know they will be doing a pap and an ultrasound. I just don’t think it’s going to completely hit me until I see it for my own eyes. I’m excited and scared all at once. I think with Eric being gone, my stress level will decrease and I’m going to try to reach out to my brother and his girlfriend over the weekend because it would be really dope if I could get her to come with me on Monday. I honestly don’t want to go through all of this by myself. I will if I have to but it sucks when people aren’t there when you need them the most.

I wonder when they’ll test for Autism and all that scary shit. I do worry about stuff like that too. I’ve been reading the stats on it and it doesn’t seem super common but there’s more of a chance in boys than girls. Ugh, being pregnant there’s so many different things to worry about. I just want a healthy baby, that is my main concern. I know I want a girl but as long as it’s healthy, that’s all that matters.

Work is definitely getting to me. My work schedule this week is fucking perfect but next week he only has me on 3 days. I text him about it tonight before I left so he can fix it before he sends out the new schedule. Again, he needs to understand the rest of us have bills too. I mean damn, he knows I have a baby on the way so I need to be making money and because Christmas is about 3 weeks away!!

Anyways, I need to go to sleep. More tomorrow before work.