secret garden in Random Thoughts

One of my favorite books growing up was The Secret Garden and The Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I always loved (what i later learned was called) magical realism. While these books don’t necessarily have magic in them, they have an aura of magic. In hindsight i can see why i loved books like that (and books in general)- it was an escape. I am so glad i had that. So many poor families don’t have a solid foundation in literacy.

When i was very young, maybe 3 or 4, my mother worked in a diner. We spent a lot of time there and my whole childhood my mother, instead of being at bars drinking alcohol (thank goodness!), my mom was at coffee shops drinking coffee. Tom Smith’s, Marge’s… She generally worked at some point in those places. I love jobs like that, its fun to be social in a service setting, but not an interpersonal setting.

Well, back to the little story i was telling. One time when i was very young, my mom dumped cold coffee on me for whatever reason. I don’t know. Most likely she was frustrated at my behavior and didn’t know how to get me to stop. She has always had unrealistic expectations of young children, like they should have more control of their behaviors.

So. My whole life was like that. Unreasonable reactions to reasonable (child) behaviors. I learned those lessons from probably an age younger than that. What i am discussing with my therapist is how those experiences are the foundation of my anxiety, difficulties with communication, my automatic reaction that everything is my fault and i-am-to-blame. Those instinctual reactions that helped me survive now, but no longer serve me.

My friends, my first ever turkey is in the fridge and my sister&family are coming to spend thanksgiving with me. It makes my heart full.

Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me.