Dies Marti in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Just learned that the Latin phrase “Dies Marti” is where we get “day” from in our calendar. Dies Marti “days of Mars.”

Last night, towards the end of work (or I should say “work”) I felt an old familiar feeling I’d not felt in a while. I’ve been… well, it is plain to say, I’ve been feeling more morose, dour, broken of a late. But yesterday… I felt the return of the inexplicable rage. Just… the feeling in my chest of rage without purpose. Of course, obviously there is some purpose as rage is an understandable emotion to be experiencing right now. I mean, even taking the National Issues and International Issues out of the equation… there is plenty in my immediate and day to day life to be fairly enraged about. But… I hadn’t felt that powerful surge of sudden rage for a while. I wonder what it means.

Perhaps it contributed to my inability to sleep last night. It was strong. I finally dozed off around 4 or 5 in the morning. Which allows for a maximum of 3 hours if I sod any type of morning ritual. Rough night.

So when I woke up.... I wasn’t that surprised to see the world outside me as it is.... as it so often is around here. Cold. Gray. Raining. ::eye roll:: It is strange how this place is redefining me. Not long ago, people would say I was the anti-social sun-hating kid. But when you put me in a place where “social” goes from 3 to 4 engagement per week to less than 1 per month… I get desperate for social. And when it goes from 75% sunshine and clear skies to 75% no sun and gloomy… I become a Sun Supporter.

How’s this for… typical. First thing in the morning… my e-mail blows up with two types of requests
(1) Can you write this thing? I think your boss was going to do it; but it has been weeks and I don’t want to hassle with her anymore. Can you do it?
(2) I don’t want to drive all the way to your county seat. It is a pain in the ass and isolated as balls. What do I need to do to prevent a required trip out there?

Harumph. I guess I have two slogans going through my mind right now.
(1) “What if this is as good as it gets?” and
(2) “This is your life, and it is ending one minute at a time.”

NoJoMo22

Something valuable you learned from the most toxic person you had in your life?

HA! Imagine a Whinnie The Pooh voice: Oh bother. As I’ve reluctantly confessed before… I still need to seek counseling because of the most toxic person I had in my life. And, as I’ve stated before, I can’t do it in this town as I am recognized by people I’ve never met and most of them want to see me fail since I’m the guy that “makes drinking and driving a crime.” But… what did I learn from the experience? Well… there is the genuine and heartfelt as well as the sardonic and speculative.

Genuinely: I learned that my parents love me and, even if they make mistakes, they truly want me to be safe. I learned that some of my friends were more genuine and kind by weathering the storm with me, while some friends loved me so much that they had to walk away until I stopped hurting myself. I learned that emotional connection is incredibly important to me; but it shouldn’t be so important that I sacrifice everything I am for it.

Sardonic/Speculative: I learned that a woman who is willing to know what turns me on is a rare and dangerous thing. I learned that 36 C can, indeed, be a fun number/letter pairing. I learned that a woman who is willing to tell you about her history with sexual abuse the day you meet her is likely not someone you want around. I learned that I am too easy to manipulate emotionally. I learned that excitement and fear can initially feel similar but ultimately are very different. And most of all, sadly of all… in hindsight… I learned that only those who wish to manipulate or harm me are willing to know about my sexual preferences and turn ons. Or at least… those are the only people that are willing to learn them as more than an academic curiosity.