unknown in Random Thoughts

Yesterday i felt an unformed anxiety in the bottom of my throat, toward my chest. It felt like the day was going to go badly. There was a beginning of the heaviness. Yesterday was a good day, though. I consciously worked toward relationship building with my two tough (i.e. annoying) students and it worked. I ended the day without a headache.

Today i feel a more intense version of that anxiety, its still in my throat, but there is a line down my gullet to the bottom of my sternum, where the soft part of my belly meets the bone.

I am not going to try and parse out why, just document. It’s an unknown. And its not like my last therapy session was a hard one.

Last therapy session he asked me to talk about one of the two students i had a tough week with, he wanted to get to know me a little more. It was helpful to talk it over, because i came up with some strategies that i started implementing. But then when i was done, there was this silence and i was not sure what i was supposed to do. I closed my eyes, i looked around, i breathed…then i started talking about my Muse. The intense friendship with the woman i’ve felt closest with in my life. She has broken by heart 3 times now, she has borderline personality disorder i think. We recently got back in touch with one another, after like 3 years. I am not sure i want to get into it now, but i will sometime soon. I don’t even know if my PB account goes back to the last time she hurt me and cut me off.

So, i don’t know if i am supposed to tell my therapist when i want to get back to the hard stuff. I want to this Saturday.

It was a 3 day weekend and i took full advantage of it. Thursday night i drove to Eugene to see my favorite musician, Neko Case, play. I drove home the next day and spend about 5 hours midday with my love. I was bent over the hot tub, on my knees in the grass, drinking hot cider with bourbon, tending a fire in the chiminea. I drove for Lyft that night, my finances with a mortgages mean i have like $100 in spending money each month and that is just not sustainable. And, that is not putting any money in savings. Ugh.

Saturday i thought i was going to get together with some girls and make scones and have tea and play nintendo. Unfortunately i did not confirm times, thinking it was mid day (y’know, tea and scones sound mid-day to me!), but it turns out they were thinking evening and i already had plans. So, it was therapy and errands until the evening. Concert #2! Sturgill Simpson. Keller Auditorium. I dressed myself up, pretty dress, cleavage, cowgirl boots. People watched. Stunning show. Drove for Lyft afterwards (just one ride).

Sunday i volunteered for a Sex Positive Portland (SPP) event, a coffee social where people come to find all about SPP and socialized with other newbies, as well and some seasoned members. I love to be of service and can be relied upon to perform a task well. I was the coffee maven. Eventually it got way too noisy (lots of people in the main floor of a house) and had to take a break. I saw a new friend i met at the end of the summer, James. He just moved to the area from Seattle. It turns out he needs a place to live, temporarily, and i need money. He is going to come see my house tonight and see if it is a place that would work for him. I have a good intuitive feeling about him and don’t mind sharing my space (temporarily). Market rate looks like $450. Jamie and Gaby tell me not to be fair (i am too nice, basically they say) and to charge market rate, to charge a rate that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

So it goes. I am excited to show my house. I hope James likes it and that this will work out.

So many words....