Snippet in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Today is just… rough. Like… I’ve never woken up and been this inconsolable about this place. Maybe it is the fact that November is ending and I’m no closer to understanding this job, getting a mentor, or getting out of here. Maybe it is because this place is turning me into an alcoholic and I hate that. Maybe it is because (in order to help myself) I’m actively taking trips to see friends and the experience of leaving this place is proving that it is THIS PLACE. Like… the horror of realizing that this place isn’t just small, poverty filled, isolated, empty and dying… but that it is unique in those attributes as many small towns are not this awful. Maybe it is the realization that no matter what… I have to get out of here; so that I have even started looking at jobs that don’t require a College Degree. Meaning… taking a job I could have gotten out of High School… even though I have a Juris Doctor.

I know what it is. One of two things,
(1) I have met zero people with joy here. I mean… every where I’ve ever lived… I met or knew at least one person that enjoyed life. No, their life wasn’t perfect… but they were thankful and joyful. Which made life a little better for everyone around them. There are no people like that here. This place devours joy. The closest I’ve managed to find is “not dead yet” as far as being any kind of joyful. And yes… this is 100% true. This place really is just a black hole for hope and joy for everyone.
(2) That being said… for the first time in my life… I think I’ve honestly lost my faith. No matter what, I’ve always believed in God. But it is hard to say that he exists here. That isn’t just “he doesn’t give me what I want” or “he isn’t helping the people of this community”. Like… I don’t feel the hand or work of God in this place. Which is why I have no problem calling this place Hell. Or thinking that it actually IS Hell. God isn’t here, and this place suffers no joy or hope. This is merely a place where people get old, cranky, bitter, and die.

and

(1) Even if/when I’m to the point where I’m screaming “Get us out of here! I don’t care if I have a job or not!” (Which… I do think I’m there already). Even if I hit that point… I need to wait. Because then the ball is in Wife’s court to get a transfer to somewhere and to go back to Full Time which she says she’ll do after the Holiday Rush and post-Holiday lull. And her going back to Wal Mart full time in itself kills me. The goal was to get Wife OUT of Wal Mart and now we’ll have to get her back into it deeper than ever. I am a shitty husband for not being able to help my wife.

(2) I’m actually pretty ashamed of myself that I’ve hit this point so quickly. I’ve only been in this place since April 1st. I couldn’t make it more than 230 days here. 230 days broke me. Completely and miserably broke me. Such a short amount of time.

I don’t know… maybe it is the massive conjoining of all of this shit. Like… Tiny Town Depression added to Shitty Job Depression added to Corrupt Government Depression added to Job Hunt Depression added to Isolation Depression… and I’ve just… finally hit that point where I can no longer just keep “pushing forward.”

This cycle… this Depression Adding Up Creating More Depression… I see it in everyone I meet here. It is why there is so much drinking and drugs. Because everyone that lives in this place (it seems) is on this same cycle of Depression adding to itself. For many it is Tiny Town Depression added to No Job Depression added to Poverty Depression added to Job Hunt Depression added to Isolation Depression. And that is how an entire town can be the epicenter of suck.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/fighting-depression-starts-by-recognizing-this-pattern/