Leaning In Listening Intently in Everyday Ramblings

I am having a most enjoyable day. I took a sick day off at the end of October and then during the holidays I only took the days themselves off and worked all that overtime, driving to keep up with Pacifica leaving and my big project rollout looming. I still haven’t caught up with stuff but by Thursday afternoon I had pretty much hit a wall. Saint New Guy is doing his best to help out. He works hard.

So today this blissful, unexpectedly unstructured sunny and cold winter day off has been a balm. I did a yoga practice just for me. Imagine that! For my Traps, the big sheath muscles in your upper back that cover your shoulder blades. I have this practice I designed that isn’t too hard that really releases them.

I spend so much time at various computers during the day, even if I am consciously aware I still hunch a bit.

Sammy has received lots of attention, lavish amounts of attention. I ordered some more new clothes that fit. I am slowly completely revamping my closet to only contain clothes with overwhelming sentimental value or clothes that fit. I am serious about staying at this weight.

The plan for my oldest sister is for 28 days of radiation and chemo. Then they rescan and do surgery. Smack in the middle of this she has her 70th birthday. This pretty much sucks rocks. But it beats the alternative.

They are still looking at some lymph nodes and something on her lung but the cancer has not spread into her colon or liver. This is very good news. Although I bet three weeks into the radiation, the alternative might start looking attractive…

We will support her in this ordeal anyway we can.

After I returned home from the studio last night (all the folks planning on coming to class didn’t make it but I have the promise of at least one student tomorrow, which is fine. I didn’t work that hard at marketing and Friday in particular is a challenging day to get to class) I emailed Mr. Fine China. I asked him how the review went and told him how much I enjoyed seeing his oh so well organized (admirably, inspirationally so) house.

He emailed back cheerfully two hours later and we have had intermittent correspondence throughout the day today. He had read my Facebook post about the project launch going well and congratulated me on that and said that he had catch up work to do today because of all the time the review took (it went fine) and that he was driving up to Seattle and back tomorrow with the rest of the stuff the son that has been living with him couldn’t get into his car. The son just got a job up there.

Here is the truth for me; I am too busy to have the kind of relationship I think I want.

This is obvious to everyone in the real world who knows me, and a good many of you too. I want to get my yoga business firmly launched before I retire and while I am healthy. I want to keep working on my poetry and the memoir. I want to take care of Sammy for as long as we can be together. I need down time, in my own space puttering time, I like where I live. (I just wish they would reopen my gym…)

Mr. Fine China and I have both been hurt and I think it will take us a good long while to build trust in each other. In the meantime we can have fun when we both can make time to be together. And if he finds someone else then he does, and if I do I do.

But that is then and this is now.

And now what this has all stirred up is grief and longing and a recognition of loss. I am trying to face it head on. Eventually the big waves will get smaller and I will find various and sundry assortments of ways to get my needs for daily companionship and engagement met.

What Mr. Fine China and I have might be usual in the relationship department but that has certainly never stopped me before.

Eventually I will be able to befriend my insecurities or I won’t. But you won’t be able to say I didn’t try and there is honor and maturity in the attempt.

I think they call that wisdom in the eastern traditions… :)