from: march 2010 in Anxiety

‘‘6th**

.......step ahead like a fukin game of chess.

That’s how today felt. A friend came over. She spent about 10 minutes in my room, looking at my books. It was weird. She’s so....tactile. Well, so’m I.

I never have people over. I’m also, never in my room unless I’m putting stuff in it.

She turned on the light Dad installed; y’know, there’s another lamp. I’d prefer people use.

I realised how anxious I am. She went into my room, .........and I wanted to tell her to stop. I was afraid she’d discover my secrets, which she already has. Yeah that one makes sense.

I guess . Idinno. I’d written it so perfectly.

about the light; something along the lines of, ‘well just because he installed it doesn’t mean you can’t not use it’.

Ok, I see her point.

I wasn’t looking for help there. I’m resentful towards my dad so I don’t use a light he installed

I know, how illogical that must seem.

Um. I’ll try and explain it; like.........ok. My dad triggers me. And, maybe the reason I don’t use the light is because he installed it [as mentioned] and therefore his energy’s [which, obviously, is him] on the light and hence.........indirectly, the light triggers me? I. guess.

THAT’S where the ‘there’s nothing I can do about it.........well I can and I know exactly what that something is’ comes from. She’s the type who wants to help. Yes, ok I get that. However........sometimes I’m just saying things and ...........they are. how they are.

I have to stay one step ahead of her. Because I know she’ll say these types of things I say/type something like ‘well I can but I won’t’.

Sometimes, frankly; being helpful can become annoying which........can turn intofrutstation.

And, seemingly I’m not comfortable enough around her to flatout tell her I don’t like this.

And speaking of.....maybe I should, you know. actually tell her all this. via email.’ ‘