from: nov. 2006 in The Wonderland Years: 2006: transferred over from FOD

‘ ‘For the past 5 solid weeks. I’ve eaten. I mean, I have made a consciouos effort to eat at least 2 meals a day. For the first tiime in my entire life. The 2 other goals are to get me to eat more and to get me to eat healthier. But it aint easy. The thing about any situation is that it can be any way you want it to be. For example, the whole working-on-recovery thing is only difficult because I keep saying it is.

But for me it’s even more so bc I had to watch Karma go through one this summer so it’s going to be even more difficult for me. I’m also a vegetarian which makes it difficult and I don’t like a lot of foods. But I also do like a lot of foods.

I feel like there’s something missing....food-wise…

Sigh.

What if I’m stuck in the same damn pattern I’ve been for the past 6 frekin years? What if I’m going nowhere with this?..........

I realise that if I focus on the what-ifs I won’t focus on anything else. But what-ifs are possibilities. There are negative what-ifs and positive what-ifs.

It’s so frustrating. I never thought I’d be one of those women who’s finds herself in the trap of eating disorders.....well it just sort of happened that I’m falling into it.

I also have to realise that wanting to do something is half the battle. ‘Those who dont try are the ones who fail’

A friend of mine recently made a comment to another friend of mine, saying something along the lines of ‘shes anorexic’. I don’t like this and I fully intend to talk to him about what he said. I feel like I’m at least trying to work really hard on this and for him, or anyone, to say something like that...... ‘