from: april 11, 2012 in ED/Recovery: 2012 - 2016

‘>........i’ve gotten.

No Advice

and. popsicles, incense & smoothies. & fevers warmth reactions.

so.

Currently: 10:50 p.m.

As put.

I’m finally starting to see how sick I’ve gotten. from my disease. over the past week, really, i haven’t felt great. Last Wed. James & I stayed in [@ my place] instead of goin out [the bar] cause I didn’t feel great. I barely remember that other than it was good. well. not the not feeling great, obviously.

Like I said I’ve been so tired. and dizzy. and hurting.........nauseous.queasy. small. unable to breathe.

the headaches have gotten worse. no surprise considering the tension i’ve gone through lately. which, of course, leads to more.

a bit cold but mostly warm. which is weird for me. and i don’t think that’s good. not w/ the weather lately [been warm] and what i’m going through. In fact.........I can’t remember the last time I was this warm consecutively extensively. i’m usually freezing if anything. it’s almost feverish, in a way. I think it’s just my body’s reaction to all of this.

Low blood sugar. although. actually. Yesterday [Monday] my blood sugar wasn’t all that low, like it had been Sunday. thank god. I mean it’s not like it can spike I’m not one of those people. ok so not that anyone wants it plummeting either.

Yesterday I drank a lot of Mtn Dew. Code Red. and omygod that stuff is good. I like it better than the regular. which James bought for me. well mainly for me. I know, awwwwwwwww. and Swiss Rolls.............wow they’re good. those Nutter Bar things. amazing. a bit of pizza. that was emotional.

i’ve also been eating cheese, berries, candy corn. This is mostly ‘cause I got blazed last night. I’m blazed – [as mentioned] - tonight just not eating nearly as much. And today I’ve had.........cheese. candy corn. chips & guac. I bought frozen brownies to-day while at the store. I get blazed enough I just might eat more.

He made me promise him I’d eat 1 thing a day and I have been. In fact, more. And telling him. It’s like, even if I don’t eat anything one day I still need to be honest w/ him about that. cause what’s worse than not eating........ not.telling him that.

I wasn’t aware of how much I’ve been eating lately. untill I started telling him. a lot. well for me a lot.

On Sunday at his mom’s I had mashed potatos, part of a tiny mushroom which I didn’t care for, some green bean casserole and this brocolli cheese.thing. It was all good. I told Nadine [his mom] that.

Over the weekend I got my period. thank god. no, really. earlier than usual. and that really threw me did a number on me. as it always does but this time more/worse than usual. I felt bloody awful.

You know, so I told him that if I’m still feeling off tomorrow p.m. we’re not going to the bar. If I want to go somewhere we could go to the park. or the store. nice and mellow.

I just feel really run down and just. off. and this isn’t like the cold or the flu. and weak. and helpless. it’s different than the cold or flu. well it’s not so much that i’m weak/helpless as i’m just sick. i really am.

and i don’t like that...........when am i gonna stop denying all this to myself. [thank you, tonight’s ep. of ‘glee’]. when i have my back up against the fukin wall. and.

i think i already have. i think i’m already starting to.

i must be sick to give up my independence this much. to actually listen to him when he goes ‘here, eat’. cause otherwise...........i wouldn’t. no to be perfectly honest i really wouldn’t.

So, talking about going out. ‘nice and mellow’ [to quote, well. me]. that really is what I need right now. is food + rest. omygod. and see that’s why blazing has been so good for me. look i’m not doing hard drugs and i know what i’m doing. when i’m blazed i am fuking hungry.

um. there’s more. the popsicle smoothie thinger. so, ‘