On Realistic D/s. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.
- Dec. 2, 2016, 2:24 p.m.
- |
- Public
The following was written for Fetlife. Viewer Discretion is advised.
I’ve been thinking about D/s relationships and the way the word “lifestyle” is used. For me, it conjures images of latex, rules, and an excess of etiquette. I always think, “I don’t know if I can handle that. It seems like too much.”
I think perhaps it’s because we use strong language due to the emotions involved, not the actions. I consider myself a sub, and in real-life a feminist. But in no way do I believe in any of that Women Superiority nonsense. Oh sure, it’s fun to postulate “all men should be caged and never orgasm again”, but really? That makes about as much sense as “all women are just their holes.” Yeah, no. Fantasize, but it’ll never happen.
I suppose it comes back to the sentiment “you can’t have it all.” Which I periodically accept to keep myself from going crazy. And sometimes hope for, because it’s nice to have things to hope for.
So I ask myself what I want out of a relationship, putting aside the sexual stuff. I want someone I can give myself to. Someone I can trust completely. And by “trust”, I mean the ability to tell everything. It’s extremely frustrating to have to hold back with the very person you want to share everything with. It would be as if there are no explicit “hard limits” simply because I know she’d never do anything to hurt me, and vice versa. I want someone I can close my eyes and fall back on completely.
But of course, I’m not some feeble stupid sub who can’t think for himself. I want a woman who admires me and respects my individuality. I’d do what I could to serve her because I WANT to, not because she’s broken me. I’m not a bratty sub. I’m a pleaser. I want approval. Being “broken” would mean disapproval, which alone would hurt me emotionally. If I misstep, I want compassion and understanding so I can do better.
And because I’m a pleaser, I might forget to tend to my own needs. As much as it’s important for me to communicate those needs, I’d need her to catch when I’m trying to do too much. To give me approval, and let me know it’s okay to rest, or to otherwise tend to me.
It really is two people taking care of each other. Because - gasp - they love each other.
Everything else that happens in the bedroom is wank fodder. I’ve found myself into kinks I never thought I would simply because they make my partner happy. And I trust I’m a tame enough person that any woman who loves me would indulge a few of my kinks. (And vice versa.) If you have that level of trust and communication, getting those sexual needs satisfied should become almost an afterthought (in theory). You’ll trust them not to judge you, and you’ll trust them not to push you beyond what you can handle.
But hey, what do I know? I’m a romantic at heart. I want to show a woman I love her so much that she won’t have to raise a crop to me to know she owns me completely.
(Note: I’m totally pro-wank fodder. Think all the dirty thoughts!)
Fawkes Gal ⋅ December 02, 2016
All of this sounds just peachy to me.
Honestleigh ⋅ December 02, 2016
Amen. I love reading this. In interested to know what sort of comments happened on fet.
My bf is subby. He gives to me because he wants to do so. When there's a misstep, he usually feels bad on his own without me adding to it. ♡
We've also found some things we didn't know we liked until we stumbled upon them together.
Timmy™ Honestleigh ⋅ December 02, 2016
I generally don't get comments on fet, especially on writings. In part because I'm a dude. Shouldn't have to explain why chicks would get more attention there.
That's cute. And seriously that's all me. I feel TERRIBLE when I do something wrong. In the past, due to miscommunication, it's turned into me feeling even worse because I "don't understand" what I've done wrong. Which can seem like me victim stancing. Well, at least I'm aware of it. Never underestimate how difficult communication is, or how hard it is to be aware of how you yourself are communicating.
caramelchicken ⋅ December 02, 2016
This is the best opinion/explanation of a D/s relationship I've ever read. I love the part about not needing any explicit hard limits because if the level if trust and care. And your distinction of being a pleaser.
I worry about D/s relationships often being a means for selfish/abusive people to get away with their bs via calling themselves a Dom, is that something you've seen much of?
Timmy™ caramelchicken ⋅ December 02, 2016
Well of course there's discussion of limits, but sexual or not you're not going to do stuff with your partner without asking at least once to see if it's okay. Mutual respect.
I'm not really part of "the community", whatever that means, but I can see how Doms could be abusive (intentional or not). I tend to get walked over because I want to please and don't always stand up for myself. And perhaps because my partners don't always know how to handle me.
Now take a more fragile sub and a "bow to me!" Dom, and that's just a recipe for disaster.
Jodi ⋅ December 03, 2016
Interesting. I know of some people who are into Fetlife. Will have to check it out some time.
Timmy™ Jodi ⋅ December 03, 2016
I certainly never joined to meet people, but I've gotten lucky there. Some of the groups can have interesting conversation. And certainly no shortage of naked people. As a Lady, I don't think I need to tell you not to feed the trolls.
Jodi Timmy™ ⋅ December 03, 2016
LOL, no definitely not.