How do I feel ? Wednesday, January 15, 2014 in 2014

I've had a head ache for days. Even before I had my ortho adjustment. I think its from lack of sleep. I should really start to get to bed earlier. Or stress, could be from stress. My mom took me for my apt in the city. If any of you have had braces, you will know the worst part is when they take the wire off and the way your teeth feel after that, what a horrendous feeling, I couldn't wait for them to put the wire back on. lol

So remember how Chris took on that other job fixing a friends house (well not his friend, his old boss from the restaurant this summer, not the job he quit but the one he got after that) anyway, he starts there after the kids are in bed. Turns out, we fight less. Hes just never around anymore lol. I don't know what to do. I'm happier when we see each other only for a little bit of time. We get overwhelmed by each other. Don't know if its a good thing that we are getting along because hes gone more often, or a bad thing. So long as hes here to help me with the kids then I don't care. We still hang out when he gets home, watch a bit of netflix, then go to bed. I'm trying to find a date night for us but we can't really afford to go out anywhere right now.

My headache is getting to me so this is going to be a short one. I want our marriage to work, as I'm sure he does. BUT- He can't possibly be that stupid. I tell him a step by step list on how to make me happy, and he just ignores it, meanwhile I try and try to make him happy.

I guess its gone so far now that I don't care what happens next. If he wants a divorce, or it winds up that way, so be it. If thats what we need, then thats what we need. It will kill me because I love him to death but its not worth it anymore, fighting to stay here, fighting to stay a couple. Doesn't show the kids much. I want them to be happy. I mean its not like we are crazy and hostile to each other within ear shot of them or in front of them, but we def could work on showing our kids better on how to treat your wife /husband.

Sometimes I picture him with someone else, and hes happy, smiling and taking care of his kids the way he should be, and that makes me happier than being here with him. I just want him to be a better dad, and I think I'm hindering that. He doesn't have to be a dad if I'm around. He needs to be a better dad, and I need to be a better mom. I wonder, am I better when hes out of town and stuff? I'm pretty sure I am. I don't depend on anyone, I'm alone and I know it so I have no one letting me down... I just am not sure entirely of what I want anymore. I know I want to be married to him forever and just work things out, but its starting to not be worth the hassle. Of course I want my kids to have their mom and dad in the same house, but under these circumstances?

My head is a mess, maybe its the headache, maybe its reality.

Kristen ...