a brief update on the ways in which i stall in no longer wide-eyed and full

In all of my anticipations for post-grad life, I guess I didn’t really expect to see myself become a cliche. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a underemployed, college-educated statistic, right?

October has slugged by, but the good news is: I finally have my license and I actually officially have a car! My dad bought me a 2004 Oldsmobile, delivered today, which I am very much in shock about. So I’ve officially joined the world of the living real adults, which is a feeling I’m adjusting to.

I really should give myself credit for crossing off this huge hurdle, but I still have a long way to go in getting over my driving anxiety.

And on the job front, I was offered the three-month gig in SF, but ultimately turned it down because finding housing in SF is literal chaos. And impossibly expensive. Then, I spent a month on this laborious interview process for a full-time position in San Diego. The day after I received the offer letter, I got a call saying they lost a big client and can only afford to hire me part-time. That was three weeks ago and now I’ve been “patiently” waiting for details regarding what being a part time derper would look like —aka, I’ve pretty much given up on ever hearing back from them.

In the meantime, I just today got offered a goddamn internship at an agency in downtown San Diego. It’s a 2 month gig for $10 an hour and I’d be commuting (possibly staying in a motel?). On one hand, now that we’re entering the holidays, this is an infinitely better option than being one of Santa’s helpers in the mall for 2 months and something to put on my resume that’s more recent than being EIC 6 months ago. On the other hand, commuting/driving in general when I’m such a new (bad) driver freaks me out a LOT and I’d be making NO MONEY. I didn’t get a college degree just to work for $10 an hour. This is also a similar reason as to why I ultimately turned down the SF job....the literal expense outweighed any professional gain.

I think I just need to buck up and do it. It’d be a crash course (horrible pun) in driving and it’s better the path I’m on now. I REALLY don’t want to be a Christmas elf.

It’s so hard to see all my friends accomplishing things and doing well for themselves while I’m stuck in this rut. Everyone else is striving and moving forward and I’m running in circles, just barely playing catch up. My last entry was basically a lot of garble, telling myself to buck up and get moving and here we are a couple months later and I’m still saying the same damn thing.

I don’t really know how to get out of this. You expect to make it to 22 and have it all figured it out — the friends, the job, the boyfriend, and instead, you’re back living at home struggling to tell your friends anything, much less how far you’ve drifted. And don’t even consider the job or boyfriend thing.

When I felt like this in high school, there was always the hope of my future to pull me out. Now, my future feels like nothing. So what’s going to get me through it this time?