(2), or some semblance of a path in Random Thoughts

Attempting to stay with writing something each day, here i am. There are only a few minutes left before i have a staff meeting.

I need to read an article called “Fear of a Breakdown”. Interestingly, my whole adult life i’ve feared a breakdown. I’ve always thought that i was broken, and earlier in my life i thought i needed to be with a partner or i would fall apart. I used to (even until fairly recently) tell people that i was messed up.

I know it does not come across that way to people. But it certainly feels that way a lot of the time. Perhaps i have gone to college, have a career, bought a house. But these are things i can only do. One. At. A. Time. I can’t handle more than one thing happening in my life. I know i am not expressing myself clearly, because these are things that have floated around in my mind, but i haven’t the vocabulary or full understanding of. Everything has felt so fucking difficult.

I once told my love that it was amazing that i didn’t end up a drug addict or prostitute. And its so true. I know it may sound like a long shot between drug addict/prostitute and teacher.... but really its not. I think it must just be resilience, self preservation, and willfulness that has kept me on some semblance of a path.